Club 7 sales soar after capture, execution of S Club 7
The late S Club 7
publicity stunt really pays off
-Westlife "not gone away, y'know" - Walsh
the Teeny-group turf-war couldn't get more outrageous after the arrest
of 2/5ive for loafing up a Westlife fan in a Dublin drinkery? Convinced
that any further escalation in the tit-for-tat dangerous-publicity-hoax
'Troubles' was impossible?
The recent capture and summary execution of all of S Club 7 by partisans
of the rival Steps group has sent interest in both groups soaring, leading
to confusion, giddiness and intense wealth in the music industry. Now
pop impresarios are busy hiring outlandish hitmen to do in their own proteges
in the most outlandish manner possible. Rumours fly about that Stephen
Gately is in imminant danger of death by zeppelin-drop, lorry-ingestion
or piano-flattening, and the reclusive, unmarried star has reportedly
gone into hiding in the Magillicuddy Reeks with a small private army and
several trained bears.
Meanwhile, hitherto unknown 4 Real boy-band have shot to stardom on the
back of a days-long violent crime-spree that has included:
-'roughing up' Dail Ceanncomhairle Seamas Patterson in the Bailey
-Spraying Pravda with bullets while paragliding into Dublin Castle
-Disrupting the Flood Tribunals by handing out raffle tickets for a prize-draw
that is, say pundits, unlikely to ever take place
Community leaders are calling for a truce, but informed sources say that
the fall-out from the S Club 7 incident is unlikely to abate any time
soon. Controversy still rages over the exact course of events, but what
is known is that associates of Steps entered the armed compound of S Club
7 while band members were lined up beside a tropical-themed swimming pool,
dancing rhythmically and miming to piped music. Shots were exchanged,
but with the aid of extensive air support, the Steps group were soon able
to make capture of all members of S Club 7, before torching the area and
setting off by helicopter to their mountain retreat. Here, the gruesome
punishment was exacted before a newly-interested world audience.
arrested for fight in wrong bar
Meanwhile, Richie and Jason from brit boyband 5ive yesterday apologised
to their Dublin fans after being arrested for fighting in the wrong Dublin
"We're really, really sorry," they said in a prepared speech. "Our press
people just really fucked up. They should have known that nobody ever
fights in the Palace bar on Fleet Street. We were meant to be caught fighting
in the Palace on Wexford Street. Obviously we're really fucking embarrassed."
They admitted that any credibility they might have had was now blowing
like so many torn plastic bags on a barbed wire fence somewhere in Blanchardstown
and said that those responsible for the debacle had been put to death.
However, 5ive may be in the bad books of more than the Gardai Siochana.
In a statement issued outside the Point Theatre yesterday, Boyzone and
Westlife Midas Louis Walsh warned the British quintet "you're messin'
with the wrong bunch a' lads there pal".
puppet-Pop in moppet "muppet" pop
Walsh hit out at 5ive's apparent encroachment on Irish territory and said
they were "playing with fire". He said he suspected Abs, Dave
and the rest of the boys of trying to muscle in on not only the teeny-pop
laddish brawl market, but on Boyzone and Westlife groupies too.
said Walsh "this territory was divided up years ago. I get everything
west of the Irish sea, they get the rest. My boys have done their bit
in impregnating the groupies and uttering the odd bad word while drunk
at award ceremonies. They certainly haven't been lax in that respect.
There's no need for this nonsense".
Westlife's Kian, Taurus, winner of Best Haircut at this year's Poll Winner's
Party, warned Abs, "You're flying without wings there pal. Last Christmas
I had a dream that you was dead, dead, dead. Me is gonna have to pop a
cap in yo' ass, boy". When quizzed about the whereabouts of Westlife and
Boyzone when they was needed to represent for all the honeyz in the Palace
Bar, Louis Walsh said "They've not gone away, y'know".