S Club 7 sales soar after capture, execution of S Club 7

The late S Club 7

-Canny publicity stunt really pays off
-Westlife "not gone away, y'know" - Walsh

Thought the Teeny-group turf-war couldn't get more outrageous after the arrest of 2/5ive for loafing up a Westlife fan in a Dublin drinkery? Convinced that any further escalation in the tit-for-tat dangerous-publicity-hoax 'Troubles' was impossible?

Well think again.

Well think again
The recent capture and summary execution of all of S Club 7 by partisans of the rival Steps group has sent interest in both groups soaring, leading to confusion, giddiness and intense wealth in the music industry. Now pop impresarios are busy hiring outlandish hitmen to do in their own proteges in the most outlandish manner possible. Rumours fly about that Stephen Gately is in imminant danger of death by zeppelin-drop, lorry-ingestion or piano-flattening, and the reclusive, unmarried star has reportedly gone into hiding in the Magillicuddy Reeks with a small private army and several trained bears.

Borstal Boy-Band
Meanwhile, hitherto unknown 4 Real boy-band have shot to stardom on the back of a days-long violent crime-spree that has included:
-'roughing up' Dail Ceanncomhairle Seamas Patterson in the Bailey
-Spraying Pravda with bullets while paragliding into Dublin Castle
-Disrupting the Flood Tribunals by handing out raffle tickets for a prize-draw that is, say pundits, unlikely to ever take place

Which
Community leaders are calling for a truce, but informed sources say that the fall-out from the S Club 7 incident is unlikely to abate any time soon. Controversy still rages over the exact course of events, but what is known is that associates of Steps entered the armed compound of S Club 7 while band members were lined up beside a tropical-themed swimming pool, dancing rhythmically and miming to piped music. Shots were exchanged, but with the aid of extensive air support, the Steps group were soon able to make capture of all members of S Club 7, before torching the area and setting off by helicopter to their mountain retreat. Here, the gruesome punishment was exacted before a newly-interested world audience.

5ive arrested for fight in wrong bar
Meanwhile, Richie and Jason from brit boyband 5ive yesterday apologised to their Dublin fans after being arrested for fighting in the wrong Dublin pub. "We're really, really sorry," they said in a prepared speech. "Our press people just really fucked up. They should have known that nobody ever fights in the Palace bar on Fleet Street. We were meant to be caught fighting in the Palace on Wexford Street. Obviously we're really fucking embarrassed."

Blowing like
They admitted that any credibility they might have had was now blowing like so many torn plastic bags on a barbed wire fence somewhere in Blanchardstown and said that those responsible for the debacle had been put to death.

However but
However, 5ive may be in the bad books of more than the Gardai Siochana. In a statement issued outside the Point Theatre yesterday, Boyzone and Westlife Midas Louis Walsh warned the British quintet "you're messin' with the wrong bunch a' lads there pal".

Pop puppet-Pop in moppet "muppet" pop
Walsh hit out at 5ive's apparent encroachment on Irish territory and said they were "playing with fire". He said he suspected Abs, Dave and the rest of the boys of trying to muscle in on not only the teeny-pop laddish brawl market, but on Boyzone and Westlife groupies too.

Accuse the
"Lookit," said Walsh "this territory was divided up years ago. I get everything west of the Irish sea, they get the rest. My boys have done their bit in impregnating the groupies and uttering the odd bad word while drunk at award ceremonies. They certainly haven't been lax in that respect. There's no need for this nonsense".

Dead, dead, dead
Westlife's Kian, Taurus, winner of Best Haircut at this year's Poll Winner's Party, warned Abs, "You're flying without wings there pal. Last Christmas I had a dream that you was dead, dead, dead. Me is gonna have to pop a cap in yo' ass, boy". When quizzed about the whereabouts of Westlife and Boyzone when they was needed to represent for all the honeyz in the Palace Bar, Louis Walsh said "They've not gone away, y'know".