Irish cattle welcome death

-Doomed beasts "delighted", "honoured", stupid

Irish cattle last night expressed their delight at the Purchase For Destruction scheme introduced today. "I'd like to personally thank Minister for Agriculture Joe Walsh for freeing us cows from the scourge of BSE," said a young heifer munching silage at a farm in Co Offaly owned by Mrs Joan Wedgewood.

"Fleur just can't wait for her next birthday, when she's old enough to go to the factory" said Mrs Wedgewood. One of the 750,000 cattle expected to go merrily to their deaths in order to placate the Irish public and shut farmers up in time for the next election by reopening foreign markets for their blood-soaked exports of dead flesh, Fleur is optimistic for the future.

"I know it's all so I can go on a holiday to Egypt. I'm so excited" she squealed. Her owner said that she and her husband had left it up to Fleur (pictured below) whether she wanted to volunteer to immediately have a large metal bolt shot through her head before having her carcass frozen until someone decided to use it to prop up the foundations of their house, probably, or if she would prefer to try her luck with the Russian Roulette of BSE test followed by either sale or destruction.

"It's such a difficult choice to make!" said Fleur "Sunny Egypt or historic Russia! They both sound such fun!" She added that she would not leave it until arriving at the slaughterhouse, which she kept referring to as "the travel agent", to buy new outfits. "I've quite wide hips so I'm not sure they'd have the range of sizes that you get in a bigger store. I'm quite big up there too, y'know" she added, winking in the direction of her udders. "I don't want to be a shocking sight on the dance floor. I can't wait, I'm on tenterhooks."