Sky no longer the limit for Manchester United

Alex Ferguson, somehow maintaining a
straight face, yesterday.

-Popular slogan now redundant.

It has been reported today by some other newspaper that Manchester United have signed a new deal with Sky that is worth in the region of IR£9 trillion.

The deal, which was struck at half time during the recent Manchester United vs. X-Men exhibition match, will see the Red Devils having full script and editing rights to all their games.

In effect, this will mean that Alex Ferguson and his associates will be allowed to direct matches according to a pre-determined script. For instance, if Ryan Giggs misses a penalty, he will be allowed to take it again and again until he scores, if the script says so.

Although the struck many present as rather unsporting, reporters were told that "there will now be guaranteed excitement in every game". Initially all the scripts of games will be written by a team of professional writers.

It is planned however, that fans will be able to submit their own scripts through the Manchester United web site fo a small fee some time in the near future.

Alex Ferguson said that he "was delighted with the new deal" and there are already whisperings that Ferguson may soon make a move to sign Hollywood hunk Leonardo di Caprio as his new centre-forward, with a stunt-double standing in for lovely Leo during actual matches, if any.

Sky will have the rights to show all of Manchester United's games on their new pay-too-much Digital channel 'Retch for the Sky!'.

Sources are confidently predicting that the first game will be an end-to-end cracker against Liverpool, with a 'shocking' twist at the end.

Also promised is a Manchester United vs. Big Brother game and a gritty thriller that will be written by either Lynda La Plante or Stephen King, possibly starring that guy who's always on ITV.