Hague Pledges to 'Save British Sex'

As part of a continuing anti-Europe policy, British Conservative Party leader William Hague today pledged to defend British sex from European influences.

"Those bureaucrats in Brussels want to change everything about the good old British way of life," Hague said in a speech to the Chevening Institute, a conservative think-tank, "Even the way we, you know, do it. Well I say enough is enough!"

He continued, "British sex is nasty, brutish and short, and that's the way we like it. Just because every other country in Europe has foreplay and something called the 'female orgasm' doesn't mean we should too."

In a policy document released on the topic, the party also pledges to confine heterosexual activity to the missionary position only and limit homosexual sex to fevered, guilt-tinged encounters in public-school dorms, park bushes, Westminster phone-boxes and motorway lay-bys.