RTE promise Little

Bosses in RTE have told the Irish people not to worry, because ex-Washington correspondent Mark Little will solve all the problems that the nation faces. The homecoming Little, a likeable lad from Dublin, has been RTE's eye in America for the past five years, covering with aplomb and good-looking calm such scandals as Bill Clinton's blow-job and last year's election 'situation', and top economists say that most of the success of the Celtic Tiger can be attributed to his gentle mid-Atlantic accent and polished charm.

RTE bosses say that now Little has returned to the land that he once knew, everything will be okay. A spokesperson for the station told reporters that "Little is the way and the ultimate truth. He holds the key to the gates that keep us from perfection. He will lead us into a golden era that will last 10,000 years! He will also be our new Foreign Affairs correspondent".

The former Trinity student has tried to play down his return to Ireland saying that he is "looking forward to see his daughter again" and to "having a proper pint of plain!". Nevertheless RTE have announced that they "will be totally dependent on Little. We will do everything we can to please him and we will live by his words".

Little laughed off suggestions that he will have total authority in the national broadcaster, although he did look strangely at reporters and is believed to have said under his breath: "not yet, anyway". It has also been reported that RTE have ordered in a consignment of white robes that are believed to be for Little.

RTE bosses have confirmed that although the news will still be broadcast from their studios, Mark Little will broadcast from "on high". They have also promised to put aside a full day's broadcasting decicated to Little's homecoming and the ceremony that will follow it. This apparently will not be difficult as they have lost all their programmes to TV3.

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