Monday, 14.10.02, 21.40

"I didn't know I was in the PDs" - Harney

In a shocking admission, Tánaiste Mary Harney last night blurted out that she had no idea she was second in command of the country of Ireland and part of a coalition Government between Fianna Fáil and her party, the Progressive Democrats.

Despite holding the office since 1997 and being re-elected earlier this year, the Irish Tánaiste swore blind that she did not have a bog's notion what was going on. "I had no idea who these people were or what they stood for," she told The Gerald last night, referring to her cabinet colleagues, "get me out of here, please."

But her cabinet colleague and Minister for Mammies and Daddies, FF chief whip Mary Hanafin, confirmed last night that Harney had been attending regularly at cabinet meetings since 1997, often speaking at them. "Ms Harney was an honoured guest at our meetings," confirmed FF leader and Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, and we are bitterly disappointed that she has disavowed himself from our particular brand of right-wing extremism in this way - in favour of her own".

The Evil Gerald has seen incontrovertible video evidence, validated by a team of 'experts', that Harney, on more than one occasion in the past number of years, attended and even addressed PD party conferences.

For Harney to claim, as she does, that the emotive language being used at these shady events, decked as they were with colours carrying such overtly political overtones, did not indicate to her that he was a member of the PDs is facetious in the extreme. The revelations mean that the PD dream of having every man woman and child of speaking age working in a call centre now lies in tatters. However, the alleged Tánaiste claims "I hadn't a clue what was going on at those cabinet meetings. Have you ever heard McCreevy speaking? He's talking alright, but whatever he's speaking, it isn't English".
Asked what she thought was being discussed at the meetings, Harney mumbled "Moderations and stuff ... I mean cuts".

"There are two ways you can see this," Harney told The Evil Gerald, "either I'm a liar or I'm very very stupid. And I think we all know which one is the truth. But either way, I swear to you on my life that I never at any stage thought that I wielded any power in Government whatsoever".

Thursday, 15.08.02, 11.09

2 km thick cloud covers Asia
Asian Correspondent

- Reports of strange goings-on in Asian cities
- Communication lost with Hong Kong region

As a cloud caused by industrial pollution, forest fires and homes burning fossil fuels hangs ominously over the capitals of Asia the world has been plunged into panic by reports of mysterious occurrences in the miasma. Strange glowing eyes have been seen by locals fleeing the scene, who also claim to have seen the sodden footprints of some strange, otherworldy force that tramps the continent in a ghoulish quest for revenge against humanity.

Sik Lum Bai, the Chinese Minister for the Environment and Crowd Control spoke on Beijing radio in an effort to calm the raging fires of rumour, assuring the Chinese people that "[the] fog is completely normal, there is nothing to worry about, it certainly doesn't conceal any horrifically monstrous distortions of man's dark soul. It just blocks 15% of sunlight and causes disease."

In fact, I can see the fog now, my God, it's glowing, and it's coming this way, it's headed west, I repeat west, towards Europe. Save yourselves. If you can hear me, get out while you still can. God help us all.

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