Thursday, 11.07.02, 10.19

FAI sells press conference TV rights to Sky

- Taoiseach thanks public for diversion from Ansbacher, hospitals

Ahern: Loves his football

The FAI have sensationally sold the rights to all their future press conferences to Sky, depriving millions of Irish people of the right to watch the football executives wriggle out of their latest controversy. Over the past few months, a series of high profile fuck ups have led to the association holding several heated press conferences, all of which have attracted high viewership. This prompted Sky to submit a €9m which, according to sources, RTE News just could not match.

Fans reacted furiously to the decision, with the supporters association chairman, Billy O'Braghain, calling it "a damn farce". "The FAI have messed up soccer in this country for years and the only relief the supporters got was watching them trying to wriggle out of it in hastily-called press conferences. Do they expect us to fork out money to pay for that right now?"

Meanwhile, the Taoiseach, Bertie Ahern, reacted positively to being asked another question on football, citing "the ignorance of the electorate" as the major reason. Ahern did, however, criticise the FAI, saying, "I will personally lobby whoever runs this country to get this decision overturned".

John Delaney, honourary treasurer of the FAI, said, "I think Irish punters are just going to have to pay up to be honest wit ye. Our performances in recent press conferences have resulted in massive TV ratings, and we couldn't turn down a deal like this. Plus, if you knew some of the fuck-ups we have planned, you would definitely subscribe to Sky".

Wednesday, 26.06.02, 11.04

Germans thwart massive South Korean conspiracy

Following its 1-0 win over South Korea, the German national soccer squad has hit out at "one of the most well-crafted and elaborate conspiracy plots in recent sporting history". Star striker, Michael Ballack, told the German Stern magazine that he is convinced that a cabal of sixty eight thousand two hundred and forty two South Korean soccer fans plotted to have their team win the semi-final of the 2002 World Cup. These fans, working in close co-operation with each other, allegedly supported their team throughout the game by cheering, waving flags and banners and generally making as much noise as possible.

"They were clearly egging their side on. That is the kind of unquestioning love and enthusiasm that gives one team an unfair advantage over another," Ballack told Stern. Sources close to the German team were said to be "concerned" at the number of South Koreans sighted in and around the stadium in Seoul during the match which, in another bizarre and disturbing twist, is actually located in South Korea. When confronted with the evidence, FIFA officials denied any knowledge of a plot to have the host team win the tournament.

Meanwhile, Stern says it has hard evidence that German goalie, Oliver Kahn, is apparently being "targeted with laser beams fired by extra terrestrials who are in cahoots with FIFA and the South Koreans". In a not unrelated development, filmmaker, Oliver Stone, has arrived in Kwanju, South Korea, on what his publicist described as "a fact finding trip for an upcoming project". He is reportedly interested in making a film about the 2002 World Cup Finals and has been quoted as saying "the truth will out". Stone was accompanied by several extremely pissed off Spanish soccer players who he described as "advisors".

Monday, 25.05.02, 18.23

"We're the real opposition now", declares chaotic gaggle of malcontents

Pundits and politicians alike have declared that last week's General Election has changed forever the power balance within Dail Eireann. With Fine Gael's support collapsing and Labour treading murky water, the 'real opposition' to the triumphant Fianna Fail is now set to be led by one or more of the many new independents and smaller parties that were swept to power on a tide of indifference and nimbyism.

"Everything has changed now", declared Sinn Fein's Martin Ferris, the new TD for Kerry. "The big parties will have to sit up and take notice of us. After all, we won an enormous 6.5% of all first preferences cast last Friday. If that doesn't qualify us to speak for all the disaffected of Ireland, I don't know what does".

The Greens, with a whopping 3.8% of first preferences (translated into 6 seats on the basis of so-called 'stupid voting'), are also in the ascendent. Their leader Trevor Sargeant told reporters that "This is a vote of no-confidence in the cosy consensus politics of the past. People - well, some people - are asking for something different. And we are certainly different".

Also different are the fourteen independent TDs, who campaigned on platforms including more rights for the disabled, less rights for the disabled, more hospital building and less hospital, road, asylum seeker accomodation or playground building. This group are expected to not become a powerful voice of the disenfranchised in the 29th Dail, and are likely instead to descend into bitter factional squabbling and sullen frustration after the first day or so.

Winds of change sweep through Dail as children of previous TDs seize power

"It'll never be the same again".
That was the refrain over a weekend that witnessed a fundamental shift in the political and cultural make-up of Dail Eireann. One by one, seat after seat occupied by long-serving 'establishment' TDs was snatched from their grasp and handed over to their son or daughter. It was out with the old guard, in with the old guard's children, as long-standing political dynasties reflected the dynamism of the times by continuing on just as they have for decades before. "The Irish people have voted for change", enthused Fiona O'Malley (PD, Dun Laoghaire). "They've sent out the message, loud and clear, that they're want a new, fresh generation of politicians with exactly the same ideas as the last one".

With the new Dail stuffed with the scions of dynasties such as the Haugheys, De Valeras, Lenihans, Coveneys, Andrews, Hanafins, Blaneys, and O'Malleys, some are concerned that it may become dominated by seat-warming career politicians with no experience of real life and no ambitions beyond hanging on long enough to pass their seats on like some cheap
heirloom to yet another crop of docile jobsworths in their own big-nosed images, leaving no room in the nation's parliament for people who want
to go there for reasons beyond some pathetic impulse to impress the parents who were too busy fucking up the country to show their kids a modicum of affection. So far the new faces of the same old gene-pool have done little to dispel this fear.

Thursday, 09.05.02, 10.23

Tamper with the video evidence

Bank holiday Monday saw violence break out on the streets of Dublin as "reclaim the streets" protesters confronted Gardai in fierce pitched street battles. We at the Evil Gerald are concerned that the Gardai will not release the video footage taken by security and traffic cameras placed around the area, and worse that they may release full, unabridged versions of this evidence.

The Evil Gerald urges the Gardai to tamper with the video evidence, to release only parts that portray them in a good light, but with suspicious blank segments and patently doctored sequences giving the impression of vast corruption in the ranks of our nation's police force. Alternative videos from protesters should also be released, showing gardai beating people viciously with batons, and should none exist, then they should be forged.

We believe that this can only fuel the fires of controversy that rage in our nation - and it would be a controversy that we could really get behind. It will also spur the public into a moral outrage and then won't the citizens of this great republic be more honest, more law abiding.

This is in the interests of our national character.
The Evil Gerald Board.

Saturday, 04.05.02, 13.28

FG leader named new Mr Kipling spokesman

It has transpired in the last 24 hours that Fine Gael leader Michael Noonan has been appointed to the position of spokesman for confectionery manufacturers, Mr Kipling. This has exposed Tuesday's supposed custard pie attack on Mr Noonan as nothing more than an elaborate publicity hoax.

Analysts have expressed their shock, though they admit that all signs had been pointing towards Noonan's increasingly pastry-centric ideologies. On Tuesday, the Fine Gael leader visited the town of Boyle in the Longford-Roscommon constituency. Emerging from his campaign bus to greet the amassed crowd, Noonan's pleasant expression changed to one of contrived horror, when a hooded young female emerged from the throng and slammed a custard pie in the politician's face. The crowd's shock and amazement quickly turned to confusion when Noonan heartily ate the remnants of the pie, proclaiming, "the delicate sprinkling of demerara sugar is what makes this a truly superb pie".

A visibly anxious Denis Naughton, TD, quickly asked his party leader if he thought this would be damaging to the campaign, only to hear the beaming Noonan declare, "this may not be good for the party's chances, but it's exceedingly good for my taste buds". He then strolled through the town, chatting amicably with some local councillors, when an aide handed him a bag full of Caramel Shortbread Bars which he promptly distributed. Stopping at a local chip shop to converse with some of the electorate, Noonan declined the offer of fish and chips from James Grehan, proprietor, before producing an Apple and Custard Lattice Pie from his briefcase. Between bites, he announced "that's the unmistakable taste that comes from thirty-five years of traditional confectioner's craft".

Commentators have attributed Mr Noonan's new product endorsement job to his fears of impending unemployment.

Tuesday, 29.04.02, 23.54

Deadline for World Cup spin-offs today
- but Irish still refuse to eat raw fish

- even after tens of mystical rice pints

Today was the last day for the setting-up of moneyspinning gimmicks and the marketing of cheap pieces of useless tat dubiously associated with the soccer World Cup and the Irish were lapping it up. "I wouldn't normally buy this kind of worthless crud," said one hapless punter on Grafton Street, trying on a giant shamrock-shaped hat left over from Paddy's Day with a World Cup logo roughly glued on the front, "but I can see a good deal when I recognise it. This kind of offer only comes along once in a blue moon and I don't want to be caught with my trousers round my ankles ... unless I'm wearing a pair of boxers with a leprechaun kicking a football on the arse of them".

There were queues on Henry and Mary Street this afternoon, where anxious legitimate businessmen vied to offload vanloads of Bring Back Ronnie Whelan green chocolate bars and Jack Charlton for President basketball boots. In a further desperate attempt to cash in on the World Cup before the deadline for spin-offs and cheap gimmicks, Donegal rock trio, The Revs, withdrew their cover version of Turning Japanese which, the band said, had been done out of "an artistic love of music" and not as a further desperate attempt to cash in on the World Cup before the deadline for spin-offs and cheap gimmicks.

Further adding to the general mood of fiscal happiness, the Sambo Brazilian soccer school has struck a syndication deal with cable operator NTL who have replaced Network 2 and Channel 4 with one long ad in order to provide "greater variety to viewers".

Meanwhile in other news, Minister for Finance Charlie McCreevy (pictured above) has denied traveling back in time in order to retrospectively change Bunreacht na hÉireann in order that the forthcoming election fall just after the cut-off date for his hugely expensive and popular giveway Special Savings Incentive Scheme.

Monday, 28.04.02, 13.44

Le Pen gains vote
- France says yes to more years of occupation

Curmudgeonly old codger and French right-wing politician, Jean Marie Le Pen looks set to march proudly down the Champs Elysee in front of his new army of followers to throw Jacques Chirac out of office.

Le Pen told gathered reporters that he will "Eat the brains of Chirac from a golden plate in the great palace at Versailles" in defiance of his "totally out of control" mildly-conservative stance. If given power in the next round he plans:

- to withdraw France from French politics
- to make residency in France illegal (meaning that all immigrants and citizens will have to leave by 2003, or face deportation) making a new "fortress France"
- to force French filmmakers, such as hip-hop fan Mattieu Kassovitz, to produce films featuring Alpine landscapes and hardy folk close to nature achieving happiness by co-operation with the state.

The world was thrown into a "terrible state o' chassis" according to one Dublin analyst. European and world leaders expressed shock and stunment at the news, and immediately cut all trade links with the European power to prevent the extreme right getting into power.

Uno Duce
Le Pen concluded his speech to the French people following his victory by saying that "There can be only one leader, one voice in France, that leader will be me, Le Pen, so there is no point voting for Chirac. I, your voice, order you not to vote for him, those who do not comply will be deported."

Saturday, 09.04.02, 11.20

Bag levy shows Irish are cheap

The new levy of 15c for each plastic bag used in Ireland has already had great effects on the environment, and on the national image. Shoppers around the country are eschewing the formerly free bags in favour of bringing their own, or recycling older ones - despite the fact that the bags cost just 0.001p.

Trevor Seargent, leader of the Green party, called this "a great step towards a cleaner Ireland, and a good indication of the Irish people's attitude to the environment." Others claime that the change is detrimental; Charlie Macken, a Dublin Taxi driver (unconvicted), said "It just goes to show, Irish people are a bunch of cheap bastards. They won't spend 15c, sure that's not even a penny, to get a bleedin' plastic bag."

Wednesday, 07.02.02, 16.20

"Crazy Irish" blamed for gigantic AIB investment fraud

Allied Irish Bank's announcement this morning that it has been the victim of an estimated $750m fraud by foreign exchange trader in an American-based subsidiary has shocked the financial world and sent the company's shares tumbling on world markets. And analysts have been quick to put the blame for the scandal on the dopey, bumbling Irish national character.

"We should never have trusted these simple Paddies with something as complicated as a multinational financial enterprise", commented James Thorburn, market analyst for Coopers & Lybrand. "Why, half a million of them died in the Famine because they couldn't grow anything except potatoes!".

Other experts preferred to focus on the positive aspects of Irishness. Wim Duisenberg, head of the European Central Bank, commented "The Irish make amusing companions, and will drink even the hardiest Dutchman under the table. But these whimsical simpletons have no understanding of matters such as currency exchange, arbitrage and reflexive back-room monitoring."

The American authorities have also been swift to react. "Man, you fucking Irish!", exclaimed Alan Greenspan, Chairman of the American Federal Bank. "Looks like you crazy assholes have done it again. Try laying off the Guinness, guys".

Wednesday, 07.11.01, 00.20

DUP runs out of things to condemn

The Democratic Unionist Party was in turmoil as it was forced to condemn the Yellow-Backed Ridge Squirrel, in order to fill the void left after the party found that it had condemned every last object in the known Universe. Answering accusations that the Yellow-Backed Ridge Squirrel does not in fact exist, Party Deputy Leader Peter Robinson asked "How do you know it doesn't exist. Prove it to me. Ha."

"Lookit," he continued "it was either that or take the step of actually condemning ourselves, so we mandated party members to make stuff up to condemn. We even went as far as to issue a statement damning God's actions over the past 2,000 years as there were no people, places, things, animals, gases, religions, hairstyles, words, shiny objects or songs that the party had not at one point in its history said were unchristian, blasphemous, cynical or venal."

Party Leader Ian Paisley was reported still to be in a coma last night after labelling himself "an enemy of unionism". However Mr Robinson was still condemning imaginary objects and lashed the Double-Winged Mountain Fridge, a device enabling humans to travel through time, a cure for cancer and a full and lasting peace settlement in the North which included the total elimination of punishment beatings and kneecappings.

Wednesday, 13.09.01, 11.17

Jobs crisis: Harney calls on recruitment agencies for help

As the jobs crisis that is sweeping the country now also begins to grip it, Industry and Employment Minister has made a desperate appeal to the nation's recruitment agencies to "Work your magic" and solve the growing unemployment problem.

"I'm sending a call out to Ireland's several thousand recruitment agencies", the Minister announced, pressing a button that blazed a giant beacon across Dublin's night sky. "This country needs your help, and fast. Please, for the love of God, use your unparalleled knowledge of our people's skill-sets and special aptitudes to match them up with suitable employers".

Harney's call was echoed by Fine Gael leader Michael Noonan, who blasted: "I'm asking all recruitment agencies out there to delve deep into their vast banks of exciting job opportunities. These fantastic positions must no longer be held back; our people are hungry to work, and a huge task of cross-referencing and cv-perusal awaits".

The Association of Recruitment Agencies in Ireland (ARAI), after some perfunctory friendly chit-chat, promised to call back as soon as something suitable came up.

Monday, 11.09.01, 08.21

Blue Oyster chain closes down

The owners of the popular chain of leather-and-moustache Blue Oyster bars have announced that they are to cease trading, due to "constant harassment by the film and sit-com communities".

Members disappointed by show-biz
patrons failure to"be-have!"

"We're sick and tired of it by now", Blue Oyster head Glenn Preston said. "There we are, having a gay old time in the company of other large men, all of us dressed in the usual leather hats, studded leather jackets and tight leather shorts, when in bursts some other fucking actor from some shitty 'comedic' caper like he was being chased or something, and he just stands there looking terrified while we turn off the pounding disco music and crowd in around him"

"We'd try to be nice, by rubbing our hands up their arms, winking and maybe forcing them to dance the tango. But all they'd do is shriek or fall into a dead faint. I tell you, we've had to drag G.W. Bailey's unconscious body out of here so many times it's not funny. It really isn't."

Friday, 07.09.01, 14.55

OECD demands improved lapdancing

In a comprehensive review of the Irish economy issued yesterday, the Paris-based Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD, or Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development) called for greater regulatory transparency, higher labour market flexibility and improved lap-dancing.

"Our economists have carried an intensive, high-level review of all aspects of Irish financial performance", said OECD chief August Michel. "One thing that stands out is the great need for transparency in the application of regulatory guidlines in the telecommunications sector. Another thing that stands out is the pressing demand for better lap-dancers, masseuses and whores for our visiting economists".

The study goes into great detail on the perceived lack of quality lap- dancers in Ireland. "Dublin, March 15th", reads one case summary, "Went to Lapello's to study lapdancers. Poor quality in general. Mostly skangers".

Tuesday, 07.08.01, 10.30

UK Police report 'Overwhelming' response to CCTV footage of Ealing bomb
-Mostly consists of people saying "Wow!" and "Show it again!", though

The London Metropolitan Police switchboard has been flooded with thousands of calls in response to the footage (left) of the Ealing car-bomb screened on TV news yesterday, a police spokesman said. However, he added, "the vast majority of these calls were completely useless. Some people just said how much they enjoyed watching the car exploding in slow-motion, over and over again. Others wanted us to show it again, so we redirected them to the BBC".

The Met released a statistical breakdown of calls received related to the bombing:
- 47% said "Wow, an explosion. Cool."
- 24% said "Show that shit again man, it rocks"
- 18% expressed opinions like "I hope you catch 'em, mate. String the buggers up". Others called to emphasise that they "really really hope you catch them".
- 6% blamed "Fackin' Irish cants" or similar
- 5% Called it the 'sickest tv show ever' and asked for a copy of the tape

In a related development, Northern Ireland's RUC have revealed that they are still looking for the people behind the Ardoyne riots of the 13th of July last. They have released lengthy footage which shows a crowd of around a hundred youths throwing bricks, pipe-bombs or acid-bombs at police, or cutting down lamp-posts with angle-grinders to block streets.

"Someone must recognise somebody in this video", said Chief Constable Ronnie Flanagan. "I mean, it's quite long, and there's dozens and dozens of people clearly recognisable walking around committing crimes. And yet we've had little help from the community in apprehending these people. It's very strange".

The RUC are reported as being reluctant to arrest any member of the Nationalist community involved in the violence, as "they don't like being arrested".

Tuesday, 31.07.01, 11.15

Harney appetite continues unchecked

Harney pledges to 'eat on', even as a
cormorant struggles to free itself

-FF reluctantly oppose eating of McCreevy

Mary Harney, minister for trade, employment and glasses, announced that she is unable to contain her appetite for foreign and exotic food stuffs, smuggled into the country by members of the department for foreign affairs, including rare birds, insects, and foreign officials.

At a press conference in Roly's Bistro she explained, muffled by the struggling of a Madagascan Tree Sloth she was consuming, that she "can no more quell this compulsion than a heroin addict can put down his skag injection paraphernalia." She challenged the media to judge her unfavourably, and to spell the last word.

A team of government doctors and vets left over from that foot and mouth thing has been brought in to treat Ms. Harney's condition. Dr. Henry MacDonald explained: "People are much like cats or other animals, they become instantly addicted to new sensations, unable to control a compulsion to feed a yearning for different foodstuffs." It seems that she has already been prevented from eating many species, such as the Ossuary, and several Meerkats. Charlie McCreevy has even been pulled off a Dublin restaurant's griddle from under Harney's nose by Ministry of Finance officials eager to do the job themselves. Dr MacDonald added, "we can only hope she doesn't get a taste for human flesh. If that happens, then God help us all."

Despite the seriousness of her condition, and fears that she will continue to digest foreign dignitaries, the minister remains confident that she will conquer it, and "return to the Dail, ready to enact some of those policy yokes".

"I am sure I can beat this thing", she added, throating a Gannet.

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