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Thursday,
12.07.01, 22.10
World
charmed as Ivanisevic win sparks upsurge of Croation nationalism
After
capturing the hearts of the world with his wild-card win at Wimbledon,
comeback kid Goran Ivanisevic returned home yesterday (above), inspiring
a mass eruption of celebrations and rabid nationalism in his homeland
of Croatia. Hundreds of thousands of men, women and gun-toting children
thronged the streets of Split from the early hours of the morning, hoping
for a glimpse of the man some of his compatriots have hailed as a "superman",
or "a perfect example of innate Croat superiority".
 Fireworks
exploded in the sky as Ivanisevic's yacht sailed into the harbour, where
he was welcomed by the city's mayor, who announced him to the crowd as
"Our pure, pure champion. Give him a big hand, everyone!". An
exultant Ivanisevic then joined the crowd (left) in a chant of "Fuck
NATO!", and denounced the proposed extradition to the U.N. War Crimes
tribunal in the Hague of two Croat suspects, believed to be generals Rahim
Ademi and Ante Gotovina.
The celebrations were beamed all around a world still reeling from Ivanisevic's
stunning victory in Monday's final, described as "the greatest match
in Wimbledon history" by a man who claimed to have seen them all.
The celebrants were almost outnumbered by foreign news crews covering
the tumult. "Just look at that sea of white, white faces", CNN
anchor Dan Rather told his American audience. "And hey, now they're
burning an effigy of Koffi Annan. What a whimsical country that must be".
But
the celebrations were not just confined to Split. There were mass uprisings
of popular sentiment all around the country, particularly in the border
regions, where the joyful Croats sang songs and burned the houses of Muslim
neighbours.
Friday,
08.06.01, 15.12
That's
Nice!
There
was good news for fans of European treaties yesterday when the Nice Treaty
was voted on by many people in Ireland. The Treaty, a long document made
up of clauses, directives and, towards the end, several appendixes, is
said to be very important, and several people, including some celebrities,
showed their support for the general concept of such things by voting
on it.
 One
famous voter was Ronan Keating (right), who told the Evil Gerald, "It's
not often we get the chance to express our support for the democratic
system by voting, but when that chance comes along it's something I'm
glad to do".
Also
glad to help was pop svengali Louis Walsh, who joked "I hope my great
new band Bellefire has as much support as this referendum!". We all
do, Louis!
An
Taoiseach Bertie Ahern said that the result of the referendum would have
"major implications" for Ireland, but refused to say whether
that included the fabulous world of glamorous pop stars or not.
Saturday,
17.03.01 1.14pm
Hussein
threatens world peace following theft of Magic Door Technology
World's
psychopath mustachio Saddam Hussein is believed to have gained control
of Bosco's Magic Door and intends to use it in his plan of world domination,
says American military top brass.
The
door's technology was brought to the attention of Saddam Hussein when
the national TV station Allahababababad YWRX was showing episodes of Bosco,
dubbed for the Iraqi market. Hussein, obviously amazed by RTE's technological
ability to transport people to far away places, ordered his Elite Guard
to seize the Magic Door from RTE's storage warehouse.
Fear
and panic spread through the international community after hearing the
shocking news and world supremo, US president George Double-yuh, immediately
responded by bombing the fuck out Baghdad. "With this technology,"
said RTE director general Bob Collins, "Saddam Hussein can launch
a full scale attack anywhere he chooses, anywhere in the world - providing
his Elite Translators have properly decoded the magic chant." However,
top anarcho-linguist Baxter Baxter explained that the Magic Door rhyme
is actually impossible to translate into Arabic "so it's unlikely
they'll get to their bunkers yet alone Washington DC."
Black
Republican, Colin Powell, echoed these concerns by issuing a state of
national emergency, placing "a soldier on every corner - and that's
pretty secure given the pride we Americans have for straight roads."
No one is sure when or where Hussein will use the door but every country
of the world is preparing for surprise attacks. "We don't know where
this rat is going to strike first but it could even be your very own bathroom,"
warned Powell.
Dr.
Patrick O'Lafferty, RTE Mad Scientist and inventor of the Magic Door,
however, insists there is no cause for alarm. "We made the Magic
Door some time ago and in those days, we could only make it respond to
stupid rhymes so the users can't tell it where they want to go,"
explained Dr. O'Lafferty. "Technically, the only place Saddam can
launch an attack is Dublin Zoo and that won't do him much good; I'd like
to see him try firing a Scud out of the lemur pen."
Thursday,
16.03.01, 8.55am
Foot
n Mouth hits even more events
-Inner City Olympics called off
-Christmas cancelled
The
Inner City Olympic Games are the latest victim of the Foot-and-Mouth disease,
with the organisers postponing the events due to the mounting seriousness
of the crisis.
A spokesman for the Games, Deco Molloy (15), said that it was with "great
sadness and much local violence" that the decision was made. It is
now hoped that the Games will be able to take place later in the year,
although Molloy admitted that "it won't be the same without the tourists
looking on in disbelief".
The Games, which include joy-riding, breaking and entry, and GBH, have
been very popular in city centres, with contestants practising all year
round on local citizens to compete. This years events were planned to
take
place in Limerick, where organisers had been busily making plans all year.
"It is a major blow to morale amongst Limerick's scumbag community",
said Molloy, adding that he was going to "fucking destroy some posh
cunt tonight".
Playing
down rumours that the events were to be switched to Dublin, where sexual
relations between animals and humans are thought to be less of a problem,
Molloy warned that he would "fuckin' have those Dublin bastards".
Meanwhile,
the Minister for Agriculture announced today plans to cancel this December's
yuletide festivities as a further precaution against the epidemic of Foot
and Mouth disease sweeping across the UK. The Minister claimed that this
action was unavoidable in the light of the crisis. "It is inconceivable
that we could allow Santa and his 12 livestock to enter the country and
traipse from farm to farm, especially as he will visit Britain before
Ireland.
He
made the statement from Lapland this afternoon, where Department officials
are visiting reindeer farms and Santa's workshop in a £20,000 (15
euros) taxpayer-funded trip. They aim to investigate ways of replacing
Ireland's weakening cattle industry with a new multinational e-tailer
supplying toys delivered by flying reindeer.
As
part of the plans, the party's website, www.fiannafail.ie is, to be revamped
into the latest dotcom attempt to turn the demand for toys into megabucks,
though where exactly the profit will be going was undivulged. However
it is understood backing will be provided from a major Irish telecommunications
company, and even Fine Gael will be consulted.
"Think
of the possibilities" glowed the Minister. "We now have the
chance to finish our dependence on the farm industry, and we can even
employ all the farmers in the new company."
Santa
expressed surprise, having apparently been under the impression that the
visit to the factory was just to satisfy the cabinet members' child-like
sense of wonder. He also claimed that his offer to give Ireland priority
delivery was rejected by the Government. Meanwhile the Minister announced
new legislation to officially ban Santa from Irish airspace, and an expensive
surveillance system to keep Ireland's skies clear of threat from Mr.Claus.
The new laws will effectively wipe out the competition to the Government
"service".
Farmers
have reacted with scepticism to the move. John Joe "Mickeen"
McCarthy, a retired farmer from Mallow, phoned the Evil Gerald on his
mobile, while cruising in his Mercedes on a short break to his cottage
in Monaco, to voice his worry."These dotcoms may not guarantee farmers
a decent livelihood, not that the situation is that good at the moment"
said he. "And anyway, how will we get planning permission for them?"
He
reacted warmly to news that farmers will be made shareholders of the company
with the possibility of enormous tax-free dividends. "Every little
helps", he added.
The
Government noted that though all public celebrations for Christmas have
indeed been postponed, at least until Easter next year, that parents can
still purchase their gifts online from today. Special edition products
include new cabinet minister fluffy toys, LUAS miniature sets and a boardgame
"Who Wants to be a Cabinet Minister?"
A Tribunal is being set up to consider other ideas.
Wednesday,
21.02.01, 12.20pm
The
Rock "Gauran-damn-tees" Election Victory
- "Finally...The Rock is back in the Oireachteas"
- Referee Earl Hebner made Ceann Comhairle
 In
the fastest leadership change in Irish political history The Rock (left)
has been called in by Fine Gael to helm the party through the next general
election, replacing Michael Noonan, who has had little more than a week
to settle into the job. This leadership change marks both a change in
party policy, and the first international wrestling superstar to lead
a treaty party.
Speaking
today at Raw is War before his Triple threat match with Stone Cold Steve
Austin and Olympic Champion Kurt Angle, The Rock stated that "The
Rock doesn't give one goddamn for Noonan. The Rock is here to bring this
party into the future: The Rock does not care about the Treaty, just as
The Rock doesn't give one goddamn about the contract signed by Triple
H and Stone Cold last week on Heat. Fianna Fail has ruled this nation
like the McMahon-Helmsley regime, and The Rock is here to end that."
This
change in leadership is sure to reposition FG in the polls, as many think
of The Rock as the "most electrifying man in sports-politics."
However, analysts remain sceptical over The Rock's political capabilities.
In response to this The Rock stated "I'll give the peoples' elbow
to poverty, and will stalk further economic growth in the Ireland, just
as I stalked The Big Show in January's 'Hell in the South'". He furthered
this statement by asking his detractors, "Can you smellllllllllll
the legal policy The Rock is cookin'?"
Some
have speculated that Fianna Fail will follow suit by making quick leadership
changes before the next election. They are reportedly looking to Olympic
Champion Kurt Angle as leader, while the Socialist Worker party has opted
to elect the ex-WCW star, Sting, stating that WCW is more in line with
their economic policy. The PDs have taken a harder line, and have just
elected the Dudley Boyz (the first two person party leadership in Irish
history), who have slammed Fianna Fail, through a folding table. Also
rumoured to be working on the party's pre-election remodelling is controversial
spindoctor Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.
With
all these changes, many are predicting that the next election will not
be won in the ballot boxes but at next summer's Wrestlemania, in a 30
person last-man-standing Battle Royal match-up. Despite speculation over
his leadership, though, Bertie Ahern is already in training: "I'll
give The Rock a fearce batin', by Jaysus." He is also rumoured to
be developing a new move, the 'Pint of Plain', which may rival the 'Olympic
Slam' for power. Such a turn in Irish politics can only spell a series
of heated confrontations that will disrupt the normal flow of government,
and is sure to throw up many unlikely coalitions.
Monday,
12.02.01, 11.55pm
EU
censors Ireland
The EU is to push
ahead with its hugely popular proposals to censor Ireland. The censorship
has been enforced as a direct result of Ireland's December Budget, widely
regarded by EU honchos as "pro-syllabic and inflamationary".
Effective
from February 15 will be strict curbs on the Irish government and people,
including degrading Section 31-style dubbing of all official government
speeches. Ireland "and her surrounding waters" will be Tippexed
out of European maps with immediate, not to mention hilarious, effect.
Popular Irish publications, including the much-loved Ireland's Own, will
be available only from the top shelf of European newsagents, crudely wrapped
in tin foil. European tourists and all immigrants will be banned from
entering Ireland, unless they promise to avert their eyes at all times.
Bertie
Ahern voiced his disappointment with the censorship in a dodgy superimposed
Northern Irish accent, saying that the commission had "gone a wee
bit overboard, so they have". He withdrew earlier threats to kneecap
Wim Duisenberg.
Official EU gatherings will in future be enlivened by the sight of Irish
officials with black crepe paper sellotaped over their eyes, communicating
only through the medium of Magnadoodles.
The
commission expressed its surprise and delight at the "intensity of
support" among Irish people for the reprimand. The only minister
to escape the totalitarian wrath of the commission is Minister for Health
Michael Martin. "Don't get me wrong, the Irish government has fucked
up big time," said commission spokesman Pedro Solbes. "But no-one
wants to get on the wrong side of Mick. Ah no, sure he's sound."
Friday,
09.02.01, 10.45pm.
Dubliners
cheer firey destruction of Lillie's Bordello
-Citizens
delighted, amused at club's demise.
-Charred heap of ashes not so trendy anymore.
-"Where will we strut and pose now?", sob distressed celebs.
The
city's collective mood was considerably lifted this evening with the news
that posh nightclub Lillie's Bordello had burned to the ground. The fire,
which broke out at 7.30 pm at the back of the Judge Roy Bean's pub, quickly
spread into the nightclub and, fed by the high latex content of everything
within, consumed the exclusive night-spot in a matter of minutes, much
to the amusement of passing revellers.
"Oh
good," said Sinead Darcy (24) of Harold's Cross, as she stood watching
fireman hose down the last smoking cinders of the ashen heap that was
once Dublin's most pretentious nightspot. "They've finally burned
the place down."
For
many years, Lillie's has been a popular haunt of celebrities, me-journalists,
music industry hacks and other wankers, who would congregate within, taking
crap drugs and pretending to like each other. Now many fear that they
might have to spend their time in places less suited to their needs. Outdoors,
for instance, or with friends.
"Lillie's
was a home from home," lamented Rhys Charmal-Dufois, founder and
editor of "Totally!" magazine ("The magazine for the, like,
with-it crowd"), "especially as I rarely go home anymore because
nobody there likes me. I and my fellow taste-makers must quickly find
somewhere else dark and soft where we can snort our neuroses away, before
our fragile egos implode through lack of strutting".
The
government has offered to put up the affected celebrities on a specially
kitted-out 'flotel' in Dublin bay, leaving open the option of pushing
it further out to sea and waving happily as the current bears it away.
Friday
02.02.01, 11.30pm
Gadafy
vows to West "I'll prove I'm not mental"
From Dick Burns, Africa correspondent, in Tripoli
In
a move which shocked even the Evil Gerald, Libya's Col Muammar Gadafy
last night said that next Monday he would produce evidence which proved
beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was not a mentaller.
Embracing freed Lockerbie bomb suspect Al-Amin Khalifa Fahima on his arrival
home in Tripoli, the Libyan leader told an anxious crowd that when he
produced his evidence, the Judges who had convicted fellow suspect Al-del
Basset al-Megrahi would be left with three choices. "They will have
to shit, get off the pot, or kiss this," he said, gesturing.
"Then
the world will know that it is the West, and not me, that is fucking mental,"
he said.
Last
night western observers were nervous. "We just don't know what craziness
he's going to come out with next. This guy is just wacko," said a
Beefeater morris-dancing outside the Tower of London while throwing a
haggis over some goalposts in preparation for the Highland Games.
"Mentaller,"
he added.
Wednesday
31.01.01, 8:55 am
Bruton:
"I've been drunk for the last ten years"
-Now
sober, everything will be fine
-Going to start really trying at work, maybe take up squash
In
a desperate attempt to shore up support prior to today's Fine Gael leadership
vote, John Bruton has claimed that everything he's done in the last ten
years doesn't count, as he was drunk at the time.
"Completely
blooty", he confirmed yesterday evening in an extraordinary press conference
at the Four Seasons hotel. "I was consistently hammered for the last ten
years, which neatly explains my bizarre public pronouncements, erratic
mood-swings, and apparent inability to think straight".
Bruton
revealed that while to the public he was a bumbling, hilarious figure
of fun, he was in fact going through a private hell of behaviour-altering
booziness. For his entire stint as party leader, he grappled with an addiction
to beer, whiskey, gin, bourbon, Hooch, and tasty sherry.
"I've
given Lady Whiskey the heave-ho, and now I'm just married to one thing:
Fine Gael. It'll be a long and fruitful union, I believe, now that I have
removed the alcoholic monkey that was living on my back and controlling
my every move."
Mr
Bruton is also married to a wife, with children.
Now
that he's sobered up, party members are being promised a "brand-new John
Bruton", a "committed, serious, clear-minded" party leader, with a firm
grasp on all the issues, an attractive public persona, and several "great
new ideas", about which Bruton remained a little vague.
"It's
been a real struggle to excorcise this genuine, all-too-real demon", an
almost-tearful Bruton told journalists, "but I know I can use the same
resolve and heart-warming belief in a a brighter future to lead Fine Gael
back into government again. This is the new John Bruton, so forget the
old one. Please, please forget the old one."
Bruton
pledged to help people forget the past by, if necessary, changing his
name and having plastic surgery performed all over him.
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