Thursday, 12.07.01, 22.10

World charmed as Ivanisevic win sparks upsurge of Croation nationalism

After capturing the hearts of the world with his wild-card win at Wimbledon, comeback kid Goran Ivanisevic returned home yesterday (above), inspiring a mass eruption of celebrations and rabid nationalism in his homeland of Croatia. Hundreds of thousands of men, women and gun-toting children thronged the streets of Split from the early hours of the morning, hoping for a glimpse of the man some of his compatriots have hailed as a "superman", or "a perfect example of innate Croat superiority".

Fireworks exploded in the sky as Ivanisevic's yacht sailed into the harbour, where he was welcomed by the city's mayor, who announced him to the crowd as "Our pure, pure champion. Give him a big hand, everyone!". An exultant Ivanisevic then joined the crowd (left) in a chant of "Fuck NATO!", and denounced the proposed extradition to the U.N. War Crimes tribunal in the Hague of two Croat suspects, believed to be generals Rahim Ademi and Ante Gotovina.

The celebrations were beamed all around a world still reeling from Ivanisevic's stunning victory in Monday's final, described as "the greatest match in Wimbledon history" by a man who claimed to have seen them all. The celebrants were almost outnumbered by foreign news crews covering the tumult. "Just look at that sea of white, white faces", CNN anchor Dan Rather told his American audience. "And hey, now they're burning an effigy of Koffi Annan. What a whimsical country that must be".

But the celebrations were not just confined to Split. There were mass uprisings of popular sentiment all around the country, particularly in the border regions, where the joyful Croats sang songs and burned the houses of Muslim neighbours.

Friday, 08.06.01, 15.12

That's Nice!

There was good news for fans of European treaties yesterday when the Nice Treaty was voted on by many people in Ireland. The Treaty, a long document made up of clauses, directives and, towards the end, several appendixes, is said to be very important, and several people, including some celebrities, showed their support for the general concept of such things by voting on it.

One famous voter was Ronan Keating (right), who told the Evil Gerald, "It's not often we get the chance to express our support for the democratic system by voting, but when that chance comes along it's something I'm glad to do".

Also glad to help was pop svengali Louis Walsh, who joked "I hope my great new band Bellefire has as much support as this referendum!". We all do, Louis!

An Taoiseach Bertie Ahern said that the result of the referendum would have "major implications" for Ireland, but refused to say whether that included the fabulous world of glamorous pop stars or not.


Saturday, 17.03.01 1.14pm

Hussein threatens world peace following theft of Magic Door Technology

World's psychopath mustachio Saddam Hussein is believed to have gained control of Bosco's Magic Door and intends to use it in his plan of world domination, says American military top brass.

The door's technology was brought to the attention of Saddam Hussein when the national TV station Allahababababad YWRX was showing episodes of Bosco, dubbed for the Iraqi market. Hussein, obviously amazed by RTE's technological ability to transport people to far away places, ordered his Elite Guard to seize the Magic Door from RTE's storage warehouse.

Fear and panic spread through the international community after hearing the shocking news and world supremo, US president George Double-yuh, immediately responded by bombing the fuck out Baghdad. "With this technology," said RTE director general Bob Collins, "Saddam Hussein can launch a full scale attack anywhere he chooses, anywhere in the world - providing his Elite Translators have properly decoded the magic chant." However, top anarcho-linguist Baxter Baxter explained that the Magic Door rhyme is actually impossible to translate into Arabic "so it's unlikely they'll get to their bunkers yet alone Washington DC."

Black Republican, Colin Powell, echoed these concerns by issuing a state of national emergency, placing "a soldier on every corner - and that's pretty secure given the pride we Americans have for straight roads." No one is sure when or where Hussein will use the door but every country of the world is preparing for surprise attacks. "We don't know where this rat is going to strike first but it could even be your very own bathroom," warned Powell.

Dr. Patrick O'Lafferty, RTE Mad Scientist and inventor of the Magic Door, however, insists there is no cause for alarm. "We made the Magic Door some time ago and in those days, we could only make it respond to stupid rhymes so the users can't tell it where they want to go," explained Dr. O'Lafferty. "Technically, the only place Saddam can launch an attack is Dublin Zoo and that won't do him much good; I'd like to see him try firing a Scud out of the lemur pen."

Thursday, 16.03.01, 8.55am

Foot n Mouth hits even more events
-Inner City Olympics called off
-Christmas cancelled

The Inner City Olympic Games are the latest victim of the Foot-and-Mouth disease, with the organisers postponing the events due to the mounting seriousness of the crisis.

A spokesman for the Games, Deco Molloy (15), said that it was with "great sadness and much local violence" that the decision was made. It is now hoped that the Games will be able to take place later in the year, although Molloy admitted that "it won't be the same without the tourists looking on in disbelief".

The Games, which include joy-riding, breaking and entry, and GBH, have been very popular in city centres, with contestants practising all year round on local citizens to compete. This years events were planned to take
place in Limerick, where organisers had been busily making plans all year. "It is a major blow to morale amongst Limerick's scumbag community", said Molloy, adding that he was going to "fucking destroy some posh cunt tonight".

Playing down rumours that the events were to be switched to Dublin, where sexual relations between animals and humans are thought to be less of a problem, Molloy warned that he would "fuckin' have those Dublin bastards".

Meanwhile, the Minister for Agriculture announced today plans to cancel this December's yuletide festivities as a further precaution against the epidemic of Foot and Mouth disease sweeping across the UK. The Minister claimed that this action was unavoidable in the light of the crisis. "It is inconceivable that we could allow Santa and his 12 livestock to enter the country and traipse from farm to farm, especially as he will visit Britain before Ireland.

He made the statement from Lapland this afternoon, where Department officials are visiting reindeer farms and Santa's workshop in a £20,000 (15 euros) taxpayer-funded trip. They aim to investigate ways of replacing Ireland's weakening cattle industry with a new multinational e-tailer supplying toys delivered by flying reindeer.

As part of the plans, the party's website, is, to be revamped into the latest dotcom attempt to turn the demand for toys into megabucks, though where exactly the profit will be going was undivulged. However it is understood backing will be provided from a major Irish telecommunications company, and even Fine Gael will be consulted.

"Think of the possibilities" glowed the Minister. "We now have the chance to finish our dependence on the farm industry, and we can even employ all the farmers in the new company."

Santa expressed surprise, having apparently been under the impression that the visit to the factory was just to satisfy the cabinet members' child-like sense of wonder. He also claimed that his offer to give Ireland priority delivery was rejected by the Government. Meanwhile the Minister announced new legislation to officially ban Santa from Irish airspace, and an expensive surveillance system to keep Ireland's skies clear of threat from Mr.Claus. The new laws will effectively wipe out the competition to the Government "service".

Farmers have reacted with scepticism to the move. John Joe "Mickeen" McCarthy, a retired farmer from Mallow, phoned the Evil Gerald on his mobile, while cruising in his Mercedes on a short break to his cottage in Monaco, to voice his worry."These dotcoms may not guarantee farmers a decent livelihood, not that the situation is that good at the moment" said he. "And anyway, how will we get planning permission for them?"

He reacted warmly to news that farmers will be made shareholders of the company with the possibility of enormous tax-free dividends. "Every little helps", he added.

The Government noted that though all public celebrations for Christmas have indeed been postponed, at least until Easter next year, that parents can still purchase their gifts online from today. Special edition products include new cabinet minister fluffy toys, LUAS miniature sets and a boardgame "Who Wants to be a Cabinet Minister?"
A Tribunal is being set up to consider other ideas.

Wednesday, 21.02.01, 12.20pm

The Rock "Gauran-damn-tees" Election Victory

- "Finally...The Rock is back in the Oireachteas"
- Referee Earl Hebner made Ceann Comhairle

In the fastest leadership change in Irish political history The Rock (left) has been called in by Fine Gael to helm the party through the next general election, replacing Michael Noonan, who has had little more than a week to settle into the job. This leadership change marks both a change in party policy, and the first international wrestling superstar to lead a treaty party.

Speaking today at Raw is War before his Triple threat match with Stone Cold Steve Austin and Olympic Champion Kurt Angle, The Rock stated that "The Rock doesn't give one goddamn for Noonan. The Rock is here to bring this party into the future: The Rock does not care about the Treaty, just as The Rock doesn't give one goddamn about the contract signed by Triple H and Stone Cold last week on Heat. Fianna Fail has ruled this nation like the McMahon-Helmsley regime, and The Rock is here to end that."

This change in leadership is sure to reposition FG in the polls, as many think of The Rock as the "most electrifying man in sports-politics." However, analysts remain sceptical over The Rock's political capabilities. In response to this The Rock stated "I'll give the peoples' elbow to poverty, and will stalk further economic growth in the Ireland, just as I stalked The Big Show in January's 'Hell in the South'". He furthered this statement by asking his detractors, "Can you smellllllllllll the legal policy The Rock is cookin'?"

Some have speculated that Fianna Fail will follow suit by making quick leadership changes before the next election. They are reportedly looking to Olympic Champion Kurt Angle as leader, while the Socialist Worker party has opted to elect the ex-WCW star, Sting, stating that WCW is more in line with their economic policy. The PDs have taken a harder line, and have just elected the Dudley Boyz (the first two person party leadership in Irish history), who have slammed Fianna Fail, through a folding table. Also rumoured to be working on the party's pre-election remodelling is controversial spindoctor Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.

With all these changes, many are predicting that the next election will not be won in the ballot boxes but at next summer's Wrestlemania, in a 30 person last-man-standing Battle Royal match-up. Despite speculation over his leadership, though, Bertie Ahern is already in training: "I'll give The Rock a fearce batin', by Jaysus." He is also rumoured to be developing a new move, the 'Pint of Plain', which may rival the 'Olympic Slam' for power. Such a turn in Irish politics can only spell a series of heated confrontations that will disrupt the normal flow of government, and is sure to throw up many unlikely coalitions.

Monday, 12.02.01, 11.55pm

EU censors Ireland

The EU is to push ahead with its hugely popular proposals to censor Ireland. The censorship has been enforced as a direct result of Ireland's December Budget, widely regarded by EU honchos as "pro-syllabic and inflamationary".

Effective from February 15 will be strict curbs on the Irish government and people, including degrading Section 31-style dubbing of all official government speeches. Ireland "and her surrounding waters" will be Tippexed out of European maps with immediate, not to mention hilarious, effect. Popular Irish publications, including the much-loved Ireland's Own, will be available only from the top shelf of European newsagents, crudely wrapped in tin foil. European tourists and all immigrants will be banned from entering Ireland, unless they promise to avert their eyes at all times.

Bertie Ahern voiced his disappointment with the censorship in a dodgy superimposed Northern Irish accent, saying that the commission had "gone a wee bit overboard, so they have". He withdrew earlier threats to kneecap Wim Duisenberg.
Official EU gatherings will in future be enlivened by the sight of Irish officials with black crepe paper sellotaped over their eyes, communicating only through the medium of Magnadoodles.

The commission expressed its surprise and delight at the "intensity of support" among Irish people for the reprimand. The only minister to escape the totalitarian wrath of the commission is Minister for Health Michael Martin. "Don't get me wrong, the Irish government has fucked up big time," said commission spokesman Pedro Solbes. "But no-one wants to get on the wrong side of Mick. Ah no, sure he's sound."

Friday, 09.02.01, 10.45pm.

Dubliners cheer firey destruction of Lillie's Bordello

-Citizens delighted, amused at club's demise.
-Charred heap of ashes not so trendy anymore.
-"Where will we strut and pose now?", sob distressed celebs.

The city's collective mood was considerably lifted this evening with the news that posh nightclub Lillie's Bordello had burned to the ground. The fire, which broke out at 7.30 pm at the back of the Judge Roy Bean's pub, quickly spread into the nightclub and, fed by the high latex content of everything within, consumed the exclusive night-spot in a matter of minutes, much to the amusement of passing revellers.

"Oh good," said Sinead Darcy (24) of Harold's Cross, as she stood watching fireman hose down the last smoking cinders of the ashen heap that was once Dublin's most pretentious nightspot. "They've finally burned the place down."

For many years, Lillie's has been a popular haunt of celebrities, me-journalists, music industry hacks and other wankers, who would congregate within, taking crap drugs and pretending to like each other. Now many fear that they might have to spend their time in places less suited to their needs. Outdoors, for instance, or with friends.

"Lillie's was a home from home," lamented Rhys Charmal-Dufois, founder and editor of "Totally!" magazine ("The magazine for the, like, with-it crowd"), "especially as I rarely go home anymore because nobody there likes me. I and my fellow taste-makers must quickly find somewhere else dark and soft where we can snort our neuroses away, before our fragile egos implode through lack of strutting".

The government has offered to put up the affected celebrities on a specially kitted-out 'flotel' in Dublin bay, leaving open the option of pushing it further out to sea and waving happily as the current bears it away.

Friday 02.02.01, 11.30pm

Gadafy vows to West "I'll prove I'm not mental"

From Dick Burns, Africa correspondent, in Tripoli

In a move which shocked even the Evil Gerald, Libya's Col Muammar Gadafy last night said that next Monday he would produce evidence which proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was not a mentaller.
Embracing freed Lockerbie bomb suspect Al-Amin Khalifa Fahima on his arrival home in Tripoli, the Libyan leader told an anxious crowd that when he produced his evidence, the Judges who had convicted fellow suspect Al-del Basset al-Megrahi would be left with three choices. "They will have to shit, get off the pot, or kiss this," he said, gesturing.

"Then the world will know that it is the West, and not me, that is fucking mental," he said.

Last night western observers were nervous. "We just don't know what craziness he's going to come out with next. This guy is just wacko," said a Beefeater morris-dancing outside the Tower of London while throwing a haggis over some goalposts in preparation for the Highland Games.

"Mentaller," he added.

Wednesday 31.01.01, 8:55 am

Bruton: "I've been drunk for the last ten years"

-Now sober, everything will be fine
-Going to start really trying at work, maybe take up squash

In a desperate attempt to shore up support prior to today's Fine Gael leadership vote, John Bruton has claimed that everything he's done in the last ten years doesn't count, as he was drunk at the time.

"Completely blooty", he confirmed yesterday evening in an extraordinary press conference at the Four Seasons hotel. "I was consistently hammered for the last ten years, which neatly explains my bizarre public pronouncements, erratic mood-swings, and apparent inability to think straight".

Bruton revealed that while to the public he was a bumbling, hilarious figure of fun, he was in fact going through a private hell of behaviour-altering booziness. For his entire stint as party leader, he grappled with an addiction to beer, whiskey, gin, bourbon, Hooch, and tasty sherry.

"I've given Lady Whiskey the heave-ho, and now I'm just married to one thing: Fine Gael. It'll be a long and fruitful union, I believe, now that I have removed the alcoholic monkey that was living on my back and controlling my every move."

Mr Bruton is also married to a wife, with children.

Now that he's sobered up, party members are being promised a "brand-new John Bruton", a "committed, serious, clear-minded" party leader, with a firm grasp on all the issues, an attractive public persona, and several "great new ideas", about which Bruton remained a little vague.

"It's been a real struggle to excorcise this genuine, all-too-real demon", an almost-tearful Bruton told journalists, "but I know I can use the same resolve and heart-warming belief in a a brighter future to lead Fine Gael back into government again. This is the new John Bruton, so forget the old one. Please, please forget the old one."

Bruton pledged to help people forget the past by, if necessary, changing his name and having plastic surgery performed all over him.

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