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D'oh!
Simpsons Quotes to Become Official Language of Ireland
Minister Sile de Valera, laughing with some men.
Who
can argue with a point made using an apt and hilarious scene from The
Simpsons? That's right, nobody - at least in this humble reporter's opinion.
With that in mind, the Minister for Arts, Culture, the Gaeltacht, Macnas,
Galway and the Islands, Sile de Valera, has decreed that Simpsons Quotes
will replace English as Ireland's official language. In a Dail debate
yesterday she outlined her reasons for the change.
"English is a cancer on this fair city. It is the cancer and I am
the... uh... what cures cancer?" she said, before adding "English,
who needs it? I'm never going to England!". Stunned deputies, or
helper monkeys as they are to be known from now on, immediately called
her attention to Bunreacht na hEireann, the constitution of Ireland as
drafted by her own grandfather.
The document makes no reference to any special place in the Irish nation
for Simpsons Quotes. But de Valera, wielding a copy of the constitution,
retorted "Have you ever read this thing? Technically we're not supposed
to go to the bathroom." Slamming the move, Labour TD Brendan Howlin
told the minister "That's not the constitution. That's a book of
carpet samples."
"Mmm, fuzzy", she replied. Independent TD Jackie Healy Rae,
against the motion, said Simpsons Quotes were nothing but a cheap, foreign
import and that Irish was our one true language. "Have you ever wondered
why fat parents have fat children?
Or why Chinese parents have Chinese children? It's no coincidence."
"Jackie, there's no such thing as Irish," replied de Valera.
"It's just something made up to scare kids, like the bogeyman or
Michael Jackson." "I stand by my racial slur", retorted
Healy Rae. Later, taking a different tack, the minister attempted to convince
her fellow helper monkeys that both English and Simpsons Quotes were interchangeable
in modern Irish society. "I am actually speaking in Simpsons Quotes.
By an astonishing coincidence, both of our languages are exactly the same,"
she wheedled.
When challenged by the opposition as to the veracity of her statement,
she offered the following clarification. "It's true. And by true,
I mean false. It's all lies, but they're entertaining lies, and in the
end, isn't that the real truth? The answer, is no."
In his fiery opening speech to the Dail, newly elected Fine Gael leader
Michael Noonan lashed out at the minister. "You want the truth? You
can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you!. Bah, I deride your truth-handling
abilities!". Despite the heated debate, the controversial motion
was passed. Outside the Dail, de Valera made the following statement.
"I am so smart. I am so smart. S. M. R. T. ... I mean S. M. A. R.
T."
Taoiseach Bertie Ahern expressed his dissatisfaction through a spokesman,
saying simply "I didn't think it was physically possible, but this
both sucks and blows".
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