Latest Trend: Fashionable Suicide
Offing yourself has never been so in. Thousands of the nation's brightest and best C-list stars, the well off, and the stylish are all out for this year's big craze...suicide with a swing.
"If I do this right, I'll never be out of style again," says Neil Hannon, frontman of almost-succesful popsters the Divine Comedy. "People will remember me fondly, and there'll be a revival of early 21st century clothes in about twenty years. I'll always be in fashion." Hannon, 12, plans to commit suicide in an ironic homage to absurdism, in line with his general style ethos.
Back in the mid-Nineties, when comedy was the new rock and roll, the way to commit suicide was to do a hilarious stunt. Justin Murphy (1973 - 1998) showed the way by launching himself from a cannon, wearing a bowler hat, into a pool of caustic porridge. But now, if you want to do it right, you have to use the right stuff.
"It's all about understatement this year," says style guru John Rocha, "You have to do the job subtley, but well. Ropes have gone up, pills have gone down, and women will be wearing a slit down the arm."
Rocha has personally consulted on several celebrity suicides, and is rumoured to be arranging Britney Spears's in July this year. "Personally, I will be slitting my wrists with the purest Swedish glass, handmade by reclusive mountain hermits. You can tell it is handmade by the small bubbles, and by the perfection of the smooth finish they achieve." Perfect for venting a vein!
Dermot Gavin, garden design guru extraordinaire, has been called in from BBC's Home Front to create his daring geometric masterpieces for Madonna, who plans to grate herself to death on a giant metal cube, leaving Guy Ritchie a note calligraphed by the skilled hands of Chinese artisans in a lost form of Cantonese.
Don't forget! If you are going to do it - remember the most important
thing is to accessorize properly, make sure that your shoes match the
pills, or that the bag you'll be bringing into the after life goes well
with both white and red! If you want to you can go into any high street
shop and ask for their suicide specialist. And don't look bad, be daring,
go all the way, people who just do a 'cry for help' just look like wannabes.
Go all the way.