-Mass culling of ministers scheduled
Bertie: reported 'feeling a bit odd'
shock news it was announced by paper-suited vets that the entire cabinet
has been infected with foot and mouth disease, and that the ministers
are to be sent to Dun Laoighaire for incineration.
State scientists have erected a five mile cordon around the capital,
and are preventing the movement of any livestock from the city centre.
The announcement came after Charlie McCreevy, minister for finance,
collapsed at a press conference after his shoes became to big and he
began drooling. Scientists hope that the cordon will prevent the
spread of the disease, however remain puzzled as to how the government
could have contracted it - "It makes no sense, this disease only
affects livestock; cattle, sheep, pigs and such like." Despite
precautions, fears are growing that it may spread to the entertainment,
fashion and media industries, thus killing the only people who can report
it to you. Oh my god, we're all going to die, oh Jesus!
The Department of Agriculture suggested that the public crowd
between two bonfires, just like the Pope at Avignon in the 14th Century,
and pray to whatever gods you have left.
tip: Remember, if you see a foot and mouth, do not approach it.
Report the incident to a garda, and then run off.
You Should Give a Shit
it may be tempting to view the foot and mouth scare as just another amusingly
dire catastrophe for the nation's bog-brained farmers, perhaps payback
for decades of feeding their animals cancer-grass and germy monkey-heads,
the crisis does have implications for the rest of us too, though:
-Dubliners will have to try even harder to pretend to care when listening
to culchies moan about their problems. Nodding and saying, "Mmmm,
yes" will no longer be adequate.
-The youthful 'cow-boys' of the city's Northside, long famed for riding
around their desolate housing estates atop tamed cattle, are likely to
have to part with their beloved pets. Expect to see many more abandoned,
burned-out cows on roadsides in the near future.
-The Dept. of Agriculture has called on citizens to cut down on sheep-fucking
activities for the time being.
-Churches are installing 'Holy Mats' at entrances, which will douse mass-goers
with a potent disenfectant/ holy-water mixture.
and other wags will continue to point out that 'Foot and Mouth' sounds
similar to 'Foot in Mouth', with potentially hilarious consequences. This
will continue until they are all killed.
-The food industry has been badly hit. Butchers have been forced to stop
selling beef on the hoof, and a paniced McDonald's has withdrawn its 'special
value' McFoot'n'Mouth burger (below)
on an image above for a larger version)