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Immigrants granted citizenship, mobile phones
"I kiss the green grass of my new home, Ireland!" exclaimed Drmetl Zbinew, from Croatia, "And with this new Nokia 3200 and £10 free credit from Eircell I'm never more than a phone-call away!". In a related development, the Department of Justice would not respond to claims by Wicklow County Councillor Tom Linnon that refugees were just using their mobile phones to play Snake.

Man dies comically
When Bob Dwyer of Kenosha, Wisconsin held up a convenience store, he got a little more than he bargained for. The owner, Mike Unger, produced a shotgun and blew the thief's head clean off! Said a relieved Unger afterwards, "I don't think he was expecting me to just pick up my gun and shoot him through the face. Fella sure looked surprised."

Phone-in show caller has kids himself
Gavin Murray, a caller to Adrian Kennedy's late-night phone-in radio show, should know, because he's got kids himself. The disclosure came in the middle of a discussion on the apparent recent rise in street crime and fightings. "Have you got kids yourself?", asked Kennedy. "I do, Adrian", replied the caller, "I've got two young lads". "Ah," said Kennedy, "then you know how it is".
Murray went on to demand that those suspected of looking at his girlfriend should be chemically castrated.

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Dodgy Docs! Are you a parent? Do you know one? Then prepare to be OUTRAGED as we bravely point the finger at the greatest menace in Irish society today, the MONSTERS who FIDDLE WITH THE KIDS while posing as medical doctors! more...	Shame!
Santa shot down over Chinese airspace Leading Western diplomats were yesterday locked in heated debate with the Chinese authorities after it was revealed that Santa Claus has been captive in a Beijing prison since December last year. more...	Bye now
Young Scientist proves Guinness NOT 'good for you' Paul Roberts (17), from Ard Scoil Ris, Donnycarney, yesterday won the Young Scientist of the Year Award at the RDS. His project, entitled "Guinness NOT good for you", showed the glaring inaccuracy of the advertising slogan, and now discredited popular myth, that Guinness is good for you. more...	Lying drink
Hague pledges to 'save British sex' As part of a continuing anti-Europe policy, British Conservative Party leader William Hague today pledged to defend British sex from European influences. more...	Knob worry
Hot-Spots: News for the impatient Immigrants granted citizenship, mobile phones "I kiss the green grass of my new home, Ireland!" exclaimed Drmetl Zbinew, from Croatia, "And with this new Nokia 3200 and £10 free credit from Eircell I'm never more than a phone-call away!". In a related development, the Department of Justice would not respond to claims by Wicklow County Councillor Tom Linnon that refugees were just using their mobile phones to play Snake. Man dies comically When Bob Dwyer of Kenosha, Wisconsin held up a convenience store, he got a little more than he bargained for. The owner, Mike Unger, produced a shotgun and blew the thief's head clean off! Said a relieved Unger afterwards, "I don't think he was expecting me to just pick up my gun and shoot him through the face. Fella sure looked surprised." Phone-in show caller has kids himself Gavin Murray, a caller to Adrian Kennedy's late-night phone-in radio show, should know, because he's got kids himself. The disclosure came in the middle of a discussion on the apparent recent rise in street crime and fightings. "Have you got kids yourself?", asked Kennedy. "I do, Adrian", replied the caller, "I've got two young lads". "Ah," said Kennedy, "then you know how it is". Murray went on to demand that those suspected of looking at his girlfriend should be chemically castrated.