Ireland's Only Newspaper
Issue 3, January
Regularities discovered in Fianna Fail accounts

-Public stunned
-Party pre-emptively denies all future corruption allegations
-Ahern: "You can't prove a thing"

Even seasoned political commentators were taken aback yesterday when it was revealed that leaked Fianna Fail party accounts were not a poorly fabricated attempt to cover up the rank corruption commonly believed to have have infected every stratum of the organisation.

Instead, the accounts were praised as 'nicely balanced', 'rigorously documented' and 'scrupulously transparent', a discovery which is bound to send shockwaves through Ireland's political establishment.

Opposition parties were outraged. FG spokesman Alan Shatter declared "This is fucked up. Where are all the Tippex-ed entries describing massive 'gifts' from millionaire hoteliers, horsey-set bigwigs and real estate developers? I'm very upset."

A Fianna Fail spokesman declined to comment, but smiled smugly and winked.

In a related development, the Fianna Fail leadership yesterday took the unusual step of pre-emptively refuting all pending and future allegations of corruption, gerrymandering, bribery and cute-hoor-dom against itself and/or its members. "We are tired of constantly having to issue denials of allegations which subsequently turn out to be true," said chief whip Seamas Brennan.

"Therefore, we are issuing a denial 'in perpetuo' of any allegations of malpractice, dodginess or double-dealing which may or may not arise in the future, regardless of their truth value or lack of such."



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