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Mother of twelve celebrates Lotto ticket

Terror in Belfast as children stalk the streets

Ireland - Holland: Pundits agree competence key to success

Millions massacred in horrorscope shocker

News in Brief: Woods slams classroom chatterboxes...Man sets "thankyou" record...Chaos as tourists return from Ireland



Chaos as returning tourists spread Irish customs around world
There have been reports of widespread chaos around the world recently, as tourists who spent time in Ireland during the summer return home with the numerous bad habits they picked up from our grand little country. Most notably, many countries have been gripped by epidemics of compulsive, irrational jaywalking, with thousands dying in Paris as they blithely step out into rush-hour traffic, and the canals of Venice reportedly filling up with citizens too impatient to wait for a footbridge.
In Rome, squads of fat men with yellow jackets have fanned out across the city, ripping up the streets and footpaths with drills and scratching their balls, while in Berlin all construction work has ground to a halt so builders can read imported copies of the Irish Sun and fall through improperly-signposted roof-holes. Reports are also coming in of carnage in Shanghai, as car-drivers have taken to accelerating violently when approaching an orange light.

Thanks for the record
Malahide man Tim Kearney today took the world record for "thank yous" during a single rudimentary monetary transaction. During the four minute exchange, which involved the purchase of three CDs and the refund of a previously bought DVD, at a Grafton street HMV, Kearney (22) thanked the cashier a total of 147 times.
Despite set-backs earlier in the season Kearney has certainly come into form with this performance, beating the old record, held by 55 year-old Manny Pateras of the Dominican republic, by just over 35.
"This is a record that will surely live in the memory of many for years and years" said Kate Simpson (17), the HMV cashier who Kearney helped to the staff record on his way to victory. She continued "it was difficult towards the end, cracks started to appear in Tim's voice, and I found it hard to keep up with his sheer determination to thank me for every single part of the transaction." Kearney was overjoyed that he had taken the record "Considering my form in recent weeks," he said "I couldn't have expected anything. But now that I have it, it's great."
He is now going on a nationwide tour of shops and supermarkets to excessively thank retail employees for basic tasks and inspire others to his heights. The Evil Gerald says "Thanks Tim!"

Woods slams classroom "Chatterboxes"
Minister for Education Dr Michael Woods yesterday rapped Irish schoolchildren for always "talking, talking, talking". "You never give me a minute's peace, do you?" he told a class of six-year-olds in Scoil Ide, Corbally, Co Limerick.
Woods singled out Ronan Ryan (age 6) for particular attention. "Every time I turn my back you're messing or talking or hiding under that desk and I've had enough. Come up to the front of the class where I can see you, Mr Ryan." Mr Ryan then mumbled something about Dr Woods being a "Gaybo," to the shock and amusement of the rest of the class. This earned him the privilege of standing on one leg in the corner of the room facing the wall for the rest of the day.
Breeda McCarthy (also age 6) then piped up about it being nearly time for art class and was instructed to join Mr Ryan, but with a Geography book balanced on her head. "You're another little divil," Woods told her. "There'll be a letter going home to your parents about your behaviour," at which point Ms McCarthy burst into heaving sobs. Mr Woods then left the class unattended for an impromptu conference with next door's Mr Hogan about yard duty, telling the class to keep their fingers on their lips and instructing them to hold on to their partner's lamhai and to lean ar aghaidh.

Judge finds against Wyclef Jean
"Just 'cause she dances go-go, it don't make her a ho, no. No, Mr Jean, the fact that she's selling her ass on Leeson Street every night to feed her crippling heroin addiction is what makes her a 'ho'," says Supreme Court Judge.

Toshiba admits lying over mass redundancy

In an embarassing u-turn, electronics giant Toshiba announced this evening that its imminent global restructuring programme will result in the loss of only 9,000 jobs, not the 17,000 previously claimed. Analysts reacted with dismay to the news, and shares in the company fell sharply in late trading in Tokyo. "Yes, it's only nine thousand, not seventeen", confirmed CEO Thomas Delior. "I'm not sure we even have that many employees. I just wanted to look like a big-shot". MSNBCWB.com finance reporter Galligan Cleever-Bond commented that "this is barely a blip. We ran a big story when we thought they were canning 17k. But nine
thou is just toffee apples. I don't know who Toshiba are trying to impress".




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