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"Let's
get married", taunts boxer jimmy joyces giddyguide to dublindabblin Tears as 2fm DJ admits "I'm not American." Mother of twelve celebrates Lotto ticket Terror
in Belfast as children stalk the streets |
Their twisted fate was sealed when chirpy astrologist Russell Grant wrote in his daily horoscope feature for Taurus: "With Jupiter in retrograde and Saturn now passing through your house, expect this day to be extremely significant. You will have to make some serious changes in your life when it will be ended by an oncoming red bus." Although not every Taurian read this passage of doom, they were all subject to a gruesome end. A string of bizarre and horrific accidents swept across the planet like a biblical plague. A seemingly endless stream of red buses swarmed the streets of every town and city, hunting down hapless Taurians and crushing them to death. One eyewitness report from a Sagitarrian living in Toronto, Canada said: "I was just going into Starbucks to have my morning latte and I saw this double-decker red bus that was kinda hiding in a side street. Suddenly it just jumped out and milled down about ten people who were walking down the sidewalk…it was horrible!" The soothsayer of doom, Mr. Grant, who is known to wear glossy shirts depicting moons and stars, said that although he regretted the tragedy, he felt vindicated. "There are so many sceptics out there who don’t believe a word I say. But I think this proves that we are all subject to the celestial ballet". Commentators agree that this will probably mean the end of modern-day science and will see a return to medieval medical practices, which were based on movements in the heavens. On a more reassuring note, 540 million Librans had a romantic encounter, while 475 millions Leos had a financial windfall. |
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There
was widespread panic today as 500 million people were wiped off the face
of the planet after a series of freak accidents involving red buses. It
is believed that the slaughtered people all had birthdays under the zodiac
sign Taurus. 
