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Irish mourners rush to stockpile booze

Fears caused by the day of mourning have caused thousands of concerned Irish citizens to rush to their local Molloys off licence to stockpile alcohol.

Millions of Irish citizens stood behind their premier Mr Bertie Ahern as he announced a national day of mourning, but nods of approval soon changed to fear as he recommended the closure of all business, including pubs and off licences. Hundreds of thousands of Irish citizens ran in fear towards their local alcohol retailers amidst the crowds, to grab whatever they could for the national "DRY DAY".

This reporter caught up with local, Mr Charles Hyland in Duffy's in Terenure. "Its like good Friday again", he blurted, holding four bottles of Buckfast and a packet of peanuts. "I thought this day would only come once a year, I just don't know what to do".Minor scuffles have broken out all over Dublin and this reporter witnessed two elderly women attacking a gang of youths for their flagons of Linden Village.

Security firms are working overtime to guard the Guinness and Jameson breweries from the impending attacks of the gathering crowds, after two tonnes of missing oats and barley were located by Gardai in a co-sting operation with the Irish Coast Guard. It is believed that Gerry "the Monk" Hutch orchestrated the robbery which is the biggest the country has ever seen.

Tinned beverage prices have skyrocketed although opening the off licences is just too dangerous for most. Mr Murphy of "Cheers" in Rathfarnham Dublin explains, "I opened this morning to over 200 people of all ages and classes who rushed the door. It took a full bottle of "Hooch" smashing to the floor to horrify the crowd enough to slow down to an orderly pace."

Tear gas and rubber bullets were used in Wexford as resident bars in hotels were stormed by the maddened crowds. All we can do now is hope that 12 o'clock tonight comes without further incident as the DT's shake through our fine country...




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