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Lowry
"forgot" about pocket money The Provo Portal: Musical memories This week's arts critic: Karl Marx The
Evil Gerald Awards for Excellence in the media Renegade Catholics "will clone Jesus" News in Brief: Bertie can't, Ireland v Iran = Good v Evil and something about GAA |
Renegade
Catholics In a move that has shaken the Catholic Church to its foundations, renegade Catholics are planning to clone Jesus Christ. This is the latest in a series of attempts made by the mysterious Exeballie Order to resurrect the Son of God. "We were reluctant to try a process as new and unproven as cloning," admitted Brother McMahon of the Order. "First we tried prayer. Then sacrifice. Then we tried consecrating a life-sized, wine-filled wafer Jesus - with blackcurrant eyes and marzipan lips. In desperation, we stood atop a mountain shouting 'Please!'"
All to no avail, it seems, until the Order hit upon the idea of combining science with archaic mumbo-jumbo. Using a DNA sample from a wafer blessed by a priest during mass, the Order plans to implant the zygote Jesus in the womb of a yet-to-be-selected virgin. "Once that stage is reached, Nature can take its course, and soon enough the Lamb will be back," beamed Brother McMahon. "And then - woe unto the infidel as their screams for mercy fall on deaf divine ears!" Shocked Vatican sources have slammed the plan as "hellish", "ungodly" and "the work of Satan". In a special announcement on the topic, Pope John Paul II said "Ego isapproveday tronglysay. Ne divines histay lanpay facsimilus Dominus." Brother McMahon has brushed aside these incomprehensible criticisms, saying: "Voltaire said that if God did not exist it would be necessary to invent him, and we're not afraid to learn from our critics. Watch this space." |
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