In a move that has shaken the Catholic Church to its foundations, renegade Catholics are planning to clone Jesus Christ. This is the latest in a series of attempts made by the mysterious Exeballie Order to resurrect the Son of God.
"We were reluctant to try a process as new and unproven as cloning," admitted Brother McMahon of the Order. "First we tried prayer. Then sacrifice. Then we tried consecrating a life-sized, wine-filled wafer Jesus - with blackcurrant eyes and marzipan lips. In desperation, we stood atop a mountain shouting 'Please!'"
All to no avail, it seems, until the Order hit upon the idea of combining science with archaic mumbo-jumbo. Using a DNA sample from a wafer blessed by a priest during mass, the Order plans to implant the zygote Jesus in the womb of a yet-to-be-selected virgin.
"Once that stage is reached, Nature can take its course, and soon enough the Lamb will be back," beamed Brother McMahon. "And then - woe unto the infidel as their screams for mercy fall on deaf divine ears!"
Shocked Vatican sources have slammed the plan as "hellish", "ungodly" and "the work of Satan". In a special announcement on the topic, Pope John Paul II said "Ego isapproveday tronglysay. Ne divines histay lanpay facsimilus Dominus."
Brother McMahon has brushed aside these incomprehensible criticisms, saying: "Voltaire said that if God did not exist it would be necessary to invent him, and we're not afraid to learn from our critics. Watch this space."