Lowry "forgot" about pocket money

Guinness anger at low levels of underage drinking

The Provo Portal: Musical memories

This week's arts critic: Karl Marx

Nutritional Update

The Evil Gerald Awards for Excellence in the media

RTE announces new schedule for 2002

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News in Brief: Bertie can't, Ireland v Iran = Good v Evil and something about GAA

"Divorcing Jack with a zany twist!" (Uncut)


Bertie admits defeat on everything

Following on from the massive anti-war demonstration in Dublin last Saturday, the Taoiseach Bertie Ahern has responded to the protesters requests to stop the war.

"I can't", replied Ahern, "even if I wanted to. Ireland is in fact a neutral country and is not therefore involved in the war on terrorism at all". With no Irish bombing campaign to halt or any ground troops to withdraw, Ireland's ability to stop the war is rather limited. Mr Ahern stated that he was in favour of the American campaign and pointed out that Ireland could not afford to have morals in the current world economic climate. America and war was our friend, he mentioned.

"For a start they have the nuke button over about 80% of Irish jobs, plus without their ceaseless war mongering our peacekeeping core would be defunct", he added. "For the record, I also can't cancel Third World debt, cure cancer or make a decent lasagne, so don't bother asking."

Ireland Vs Iran finally settles Good Vs Evil debate

Kilbane braves Beelzebub

When the brave warriors in green step forth in Tehran next Thursday, they will not just be asserting natural Celtic superiority. Portents and visions across the globe have indicated that the Disciples of Mick will be battling the forces of Pure Evil.

"I see the spirit of the Lord move on the face of the pitch," declaimed Bill O'Herlihy, a McCarthian evangelist, adding: "And I fancy Kilbane to slot one away, if his calf injury has cleared up."

O'Herlihy's brother evangelist Eamonn Dunphy was less optimistic: "I beheld a beast with eleven heads and twenty-two legs, but can Given deny their strong forward line again?"

The long-awaited Apocalypse will also decide whether Ireland qualify for the World Cup finals next year.

GAA News, whatever

Tommy Lyons, a former manager of Offaly and Kilmacud Crokes has been appointed as the new manager of the Dublin senior county football team, like the civilized world cares. The announcement came to a half-empty room of journalists, as most were off talking about Afghanistan, or rearranging their sock drawers.

The new Dublin manager is confident that he can lead the team through another year of shambolic under-achievement, largely due to the fact that most people in Dublin don't give a fuck, or want to play football, a popular and entertaining sport, unlike Gaelic football, a dull and unenlightened activity pursued solely by muck-savages and their ill-begotten offspring.

Lyons responded to the deafening silence of the media by claiming that Dublin had "some of the best Gaelic footballers in the world". He sharply criticised a bored journalist for suggesting the he "revitalise the national game". "GAA is not in fact our national game. That's handball you're thinking of there."

Jacques Chirac was unavailable for comment, but an aide said "What? What ze 'ell are you talkeeng aboute?", confirming what most of us would have known for years, had we been bothered to think about it - nobody cares.





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