PM tackles smile slowdown
Yesterday Laughterland's prime minister, Chuckles M'Clowny, announced
that the number of smiles in the kingdom of Laughterland had dropped
by fifteen per cent over the last six months.
M'Clowny revealed that smiles were becoming particularly scarce in the
troubled area surrounding the Hee-Hee-Hee Hills. "[We must] be pro-active
in ensuring that there are smiles all round, and we must face up to
the fact thatů there are no easy solutions," he said. A source from
the Laughterland Home Office attributed the drop to no-nos, smacks and
a surge in the rate of smellingtons. Mr M'Clowney said that he hoped
all the children at home would smile. He announced that, as a preliminary
measure, he would launch into a rendition of "You Smile When I Smile
When You Smile".
opposition leader, Mr Greedy Grabs, objected strongly to this policy
line. "We don't need smiles," he said. "The simple fact is we have more
than enough. We need to concentrate on eating vegetables, visiting relatives
and learning to tie our shoelaces."
this, eventually enough children smiled to force Greedy Grabs back to
his Grubby Grotto. "Hooray," commented Mr M'Clowny.
Bush to Afghanistan: Try to understand why we're about to bomb the
shit out of you
President (no, the other one) George "W." Bush this morning advised
the people of Afghanistan to "think long and hard about why anyone would
hate you enough to want to reduce your country to even smaller bits
on, folks", said Bush, "it's not like your country gets attacked for
no reason. Try to understand this: nobody likes you, in fact you make
everyone else sick. Just get it into your heads that almost everyone
thinks you've got this coming to you for one reason or another."
"How do I hate you?", he continued. "Let me count the ways. You have
sponsored terrorism around the globe and at home. You have viciously
fought against our allies, the Russians. You have ungallantly declined
to refrain from pointing at our citizens the rifles we sold you. Finally,
you all look stupid, especially what I laughingly refer to as your 'women-folk'."
"But let's put the past behind us, where it belongs", he concluded,
"and not in front of us, where it seems somehow out of place. You should
really try to grow from the experience. If what emerges from this whole
situation is a wiser, gentler, more outward-looking Afghanistan, that
can only be a good thing".
is "Really sorry"
receptionist at Younge, Franke and Cleen was really sorry that she could
not locate Tony this morning. It seems that Tony had just stepped out
of the office for the fourth time in succession. She was unable to postulate
a likely return time, nor explain his failure to write "a simple
fucking cheque" to an irritated caller. She was "sorry about
that, now," and on six other occasions that day - including twice
when Tony was mysteriously "away from his desk".
Said one caller: "I don't doubt that the woman is sorry. She made
that much pretty clear. But how long can [Tony] be on another call?
Just answer me that". After a further bout of apologising the receptionist
went back to wondering why one of the taps on the water-cooler was blue.