An end to policy documents: If the PDs really were in power

Hands off our city: Culchies out of Dublin

"It's a fair cop, U.S.A." - bin Laden

Tony the Tiger: Rumbled in the Jungle

Faux Celebrity Mulls Legal Battle

NI runs out of ugly, bitter women

Twenty-something sends first work-related e-mail

Joe Jacob's Disco Biscuits

News in Brief: Laughterland faces smile crisis, Bush's comforting words to Taliban and a receptionist is "really sorry"

Laughterland PM tackles smile slowdown
Yesterday Laughterland's prime minister, Chuckles M'Clowny, announced that the number of smiles in the kingdom of Laughterland had dropped by fifteen per cent over the last six months.

Mr M'Clowny revealed that smiles were becoming particularly scarce in the troubled area surrounding the Hee-Hee-Hee Hills. "[We must] be pro-active in ensuring that there are smiles all round, and we must face up to the fact thatů there are no easy solutions," he said. A source from the Laughterland Home Office attributed the drop to no-nos, smacks and a surge in the rate of smellingtons. Mr M'Clowney said that he hoped all the children at home would smile. He announced that, as a preliminary measure, he would launch into a rendition of "You Smile When I Smile When You Smile".

The opposition leader, Mr Greedy Grabs, objected strongly to this policy line. "We don't need smiles," he said. "The simple fact is we have more than enough. We need to concentrate on eating vegetables, visiting relatives and learning to tie our shoelaces."

Despite this, eventually enough children smiled to force Greedy Grabs back to his Grubby Grotto. "Hooray," commented Mr M'Clowny.

Bush to Afghanistan: Try to understand why we're about to bomb the shit out of you
American President (no, the other one) George "W." Bush this morning advised the people of Afghanistan to "think long and hard about why anyone would hate you enough to want to reduce your country to even smaller bits of rubble".

"Come on, folks", said Bush, "it's not like your country gets attacked for no reason. Try to understand this: nobody likes you, in fact you make everyone else sick. Just get it into your heads that almost everyone thinks you've got this coming to you for one reason or another."

"How do I hate you?", he continued. "Let me count the ways. You have sponsored terrorism around the globe and at home. You have viciously fought against our allies, the Russians. You have ungallantly declined to refrain from pointing at our citizens the rifles we sold you. Finally, you all look stupid, especially what I laughingly refer to as your 'women-folk'."

"But let's put the past behind us, where it belongs", he concluded, "and not in front of us, where it seems somehow out of place. You should really try to grow from the experience. If what emerges from this whole situation is a wiser, gentler, more outward-looking Afghanistan, that can only be a good thing".

Receptionist is "Really sorry"
The receptionist at Younge, Franke and Cleen was really sorry that she could not locate Tony this morning. It seems that Tony had just stepped out of the office for the fourth time in succession. She was unable to postulate a likely return time, nor explain his failure to write "a simple fucking cheque" to an irritated caller. She was "sorry about that, now," and on six other occasions that day - including twice when Tony was mysteriously "away from his desk".

Said one caller: "I don't doubt that the woman is sorry. She made that much pretty clear. But how long can [Tony] be on another call? Just answer me that". After a further bout of apologising the receptionist went back to wondering why one of the taps on the water-cooler was blue.




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