|News in Brief: Laughterland faces smile crisis, Bush's comforting words to Taliban and a receptionist is "really sorry"||
Frosties' Secret Formula Stolen
Tony the Tiger, the cereal-munching mascot of Kellogg's Frosties and erstwhile guardian of their famed Secret Formula, has finally been outwitted by his nemesis, Dr. Cheetah.
A triumphant Dr. Cheetah, who holds a PhD in Food Science from Birmingham Polytechnic, boasted of his stunning victory from his luxury residence, Cheetah Towers. "The grab was a complete no-brainer, actually. Basically, Tony had been bullshitting through his arse about the security at STRIPE HQ. It was like stealing a bag of sugar from a cartoon tiger. That easy."
A broken and dejected Tony (34), insisted that Frosties were still "great", even as their enigma lay smashed into thousands of tiny, sugary crystals called sugar. The gruff-yet-lovable tiger, who chokes down 15 bowls of the sugar-ridden flakes on an average day's ad shoot, was adamant that he still had a place on the Frosties brand team. "I have consistently driven volume over the last 15 years. Frosties owes its market position to me and my inimitable catchphrase, which I will not repeat at this sensitive time."
Dr. Cheetah admitted that his next move was unclear. "The original plot concept called for me to steal the formula and apply it to an inferior brand, thus rendering it with an undeserved magical quality. But when I opened [the bag] and found out it was worthless sugar, I said "Screw this". There isn't a cereal manufacturer in town who wouldn't laugh in my face for trying to pull off that kind of a scam."
While the victory is sure to stun, rock and shock the world of people who watch cereal ads, Dr. Cheetah warns that we have not seen the last of him. "I might team up with Crafty Croc and try and knock the wind out of that grinning Coco Pops monkey. And let me tell you it will take more than some chocolatey milk to placate me. Jesus."