in this issue
Biggest number yet
variant CJH disease discovered
the cool choices with our special feature
actually cigarettes, say scientists
Ministry of Tourism and Culture to close
accidentally release new album
in Brief: Bono, Elvis Costello, Highlighters, Lack of Rioting, striking
billionaire offers to buy the world a coke
freaked out by casual acquaintance
Gerald, Inc. Update
n Mouth decimates tourism and boredom thresholds country-wide
"Burn some more cows, please, Dennis"
hit by event-free day
-Real IRA agree to curtail cross-border terrorism for the duration
cows, crying farmers, unseasonably cold weather... This Foot n Mouth is
some headwrecker, and no messin'. But that's not all. Boredom levels are
said to be rising rapidly around the country as dull news stories about
the 'national emergency' (yawn!) proliferate. And in a bizarre new twist
to the crisis, absolutely nothing happened yesterday. Following a government
warning regarding the spread of the disease, the entire population of
Ireland stayed in bed resulting in an entirely event-free day.
Two days ago, the government spokesman on over-reacting, Tim McGrath,
had urged Irish citizens not to get out of bed in case they spread the
disease. "I do not think it is an over-reaction to say that the slightest
such as getting out of bed, could spread the disease, thus crippling our
economy and paving the way for another 800 years of colonisation",
especially urged his own constituents in Kerry to remain indoors as their
"lack of respect for a sheep's body could spell disaster for local
At first the announcement was widely welcomed, however the National Union
of Journalists (NUJ) has now decided to put pressure on the government
to lift the ban on all human activity."Obviously, our first thoughts
were with the farmers", said Gavin O'Malley of the NUJ, "but
a joke is a joke. The journalistic profession simply can not survive another
day like yesterday". O'Malley
pointed to the Irish Times who, in a bid to fill their news section, ran
a 12 page special on 'Why They Don't Make Cupboards Like They Used To'.
not everyone was disappointed with the government's decision. According
to Jasper (14) and Amanda (12), a married couple from Dublin's inner city,
"it was nice not to have to worry about collecting heroin debts
for one day. Plus, we got do to a fair bit of riding, which was nice".
NUJ have consulted their legal team and are threatening to sue both the
government and the people of Ireland unless they start giving them news
stories within the next 24 hours. It is believed that, as a compromise,
government are willing to release details of shady corporate donations
given to them in the late 1980's by multinational corporations. The NUJ
indicated to the Evil Gerald that they would accept this but that "they
had better be bloody big donations, with bells on".
A senior government source revealed that they have narrowed it down to
six donations which he described as being "ridiculously big",
although, at first, only one of these will be released to the media. "We
will release details of one donation a day for the duration of the crisis",
source, "that should keep them happy. After all, they are donations
which clearly implicate several senior ministers, including myself, in
widescale corruption, adultery and, in one case, bestiality".
the leadership of the terrorist 'Real IRA' organisation (left) have agreed
to curtail their cross-border terrorist activities for the duration of
the crisis, following a request from the gardai. In a statement they said
they "understood that this is a time when everyone has to pull together
for the good of the nation, and if that means cutting back on drug-smuggling,
bombing and knee-capping, then that's a sacrifice we must be prepared
to make". They also denounced farmers who bring livestock across
the border illegally as 'irresponsible'.
crisis has firmly taken hold across the Irish Sea too, with officials
announcing the cancellation of Britain, with immediate effect. EU officials
made the decision to call off Britain. in a desperate attempt to halt
the spread of the disease to continental Europe. The country had intended
to carry on for the forseeable future, but, says German vet Heinz Vet,
"The problem has grown for sure, so we had to take this precaution
and cancel the country, to prevent
happened after the Northern Irish agriculture
ministry issued a statement damning Britain for its
transgressive border policy and its proximity to other
nations. It also stated that Britain needs to get in
line with other events, such as the Six Nations
championship, which has been indefinitely postponed,
and "not be so pig-headed as to continue to be beside
other countries while this crisis continues."
McCreevy (Minister for Finance, the Smaller
Islands, and Shouting) noted in the Dail today that
the cancellation of Britain may damage trade relations
with Britain, which could seriously jeopardise the
massive tax cut that he was going to put in place,
honest. Although, he was happy to note that "I'm still
glad to see the back of the cucumber munchin'
shirt-lifters, and that cock-eyed smug twat in charge.
Ah fa-fa-fa big ben. They're all probably watching
'allo 'allo and singing 'The White Cliffs of Dover
right now...is this on?"
cooperate with this rescheduling, the British
government is suspending Northern Ireland talks, temporarily giving control
of the north over to Belize ("They're reasonable people, people we
can do business with", said a sweating Tony Blair), and placing the
royal family in storage until such time as they are needed or other sources
of food run out.
the French President Jacques Chirac stated that "there will be no
appreciable loss with this cancellation, we will of course feel deprived
of Shakespeare, hunky superstar Ralph Fiennes, and Cockney rhyming slang,
but I think we can live without 'Toad in the Hole' for a while."
last time we checked, the population of Britain - some 65 million people
- was said to be marching in a docile
fashion to the EU-erected "cancellation centres" for
"processing", while the land is being rolled up by
Football Association groundskeepers and placed in a