Also in this issue 20000! Biggest number yet New variant CJH disease discovered Make the cool choices with our special feature Macnas Mashed 'Smokes' actually cigarettes, say scientists Taliban Ministry of Tourism and Culture to close Corrs accidentally release new album News in Brief: Bono, Elvis Costello, Highlighters, Lack of Rioting, striking students, etc. Dot.com billionaire offers to buy the world a coke Man freaked out by casual acquaintance Evil Gerald, Inc. Update		Foot n Mouth decimates tourism and boredom thresholds country-wide "Burn some more cows, please, Dennis" -Journalism hit by event-free day -Real IRA agree to curtail cross-border terrorism for the duration -Britain cancelled Burning cows, crying farmers, unseasonably cold weather... This Foot n Mouth is some headwrecker, and no messin'. But that's not all. Boredom levels are said to be rising rapidly around the country as dull news stories about the 'national emergency' (yawn!) proliferate. And in a bizarre new twist to the crisis, absolutely nothing happened yesterday. Following a government warning regarding the spread of the disease, the entire population of Ireland stayed in bed resulting in an entirely event-free day. Two days ago, the government spokesman on over-reacting, Tim McGrath, had urged Irish citizens not to get out of bed in case they spread the disease. "I do not think it is an over-reaction to say that the slightest movement, such as getting out of bed, could spread the disease, thus crippling our economy and paving the way for another 800 years of colonisation", he said. He especially urged his own constituents in Kerry to remain indoors as their "lack of respect for a sheep's body could spell disaster for local farmers". At first the announcement was widely welcomed, however the National Union of Journalists (NUJ) has now decided to put pressure on the government to lift the ban on all human activity."Obviously, our first thoughts were with the farmers", said Gavin O'Malley of the NUJ, "but a joke is a joke. The journalistic profession simply can not survive another day like yesterday". O'Malley pointed to the Irish Times who, in a bid to fill their news section, ran a 12 page special on 'Why They Don't Make Cupboards Like They Used To'. However, not everyone was disappointed with the government's decision. According to Jasper (14) and Amanda (12), a married couple from Dublin's inner city, "it was nice not to have to worry about collecting heroin debts for one day. Plus, we got do to a fair bit of riding, which was nice". The NUJ have consulted their legal team and are threatening to sue both the government and the people of Ireland unless they start giving them news stories within the next 24 hours. It is believed that, as a compromise, the government are willing to release details of shady corporate donations given to them in the late 1980's by multinational corporations. The NUJ have indicated to the Evil Gerald that they would accept this but that "they had better be bloody big donations, with bells on". A senior government source revealed that they have narrowed it down to six donations which he described as being "ridiculously big", although, at first, only one of these will be released to the media. "We will release details of one donation a day for the duration of the crisis", said our source, "that should keep them happy. After all, they are donations which clearly implicate several senior ministers, including myself, in widescale corruption, adultery and, in one case, bestiality". Meanwhile, the leadership of the terrorist 'Real IRA' organisation (left) have agreed to curtail their cross-border terrorist activities for the duration of the crisis, following a request from the gardai. In a statement they said they "understood that this is a time when everyone has to pull together for the good of the nation, and if that means cutting back on drug-smuggling, bombing and knee-capping, then that's a sacrifice we must be prepared to make". They also denounced farmers who bring livestock across the border illegally as 'irresponsible'. The crisis has firmly taken hold across the Irish Sea too, with officials announcing the cancellation of Britain, with immediate effect. EU officials made the decision to call off Britain. in a desperate attempt to halt the spread of the disease to continental Europe. The country had intended to carry on for the forseeable future, but, says German vet Heinz Vet, "The problem has grown for sure, so we had to take this precaution and cancel the country, to prevent further outbreaks." This happened after the Northern Irish agriculture ministry issued a statement damning Britain for its transgressive border policy and its proximity to other nations. It also stated that Britain needs to get in line with other events, such as the Six Nations championship, which has been indefinitely postponed, and "not be so pig-headed as to continue to be beside other countries while this crisis continues." Charlie McCreevy (Minister for Finance, the Smaller Islands, and Shouting) noted in the Dail today that the cancellation of Britain may damage trade relations with Britain, which could seriously jeopardise the massive tax cut that he was going to put in place, honest. Although, he was happy to note that "I'm still glad to see the back of the cucumber munchin' shirt-lifters, and that cock-eyed smug twat in charge. Ah fa-fa-fa big ben. They're all probably watching 'allo 'allo and singing 'The White Cliffs of Dover right now...is this on?" To cooperate with this rescheduling, the British government is suspending Northern Ireland talks, temporarily giving control of the north over to Belize ("They're reasonable people, people we can do business with", said a sweating Tony Blair), and placing the royal family in storage until such time as they are needed or other sources of food run out. Commenting, the French President Jacques Chirac stated that "there will be no appreciable loss with this cancellation, we will of course feel deprived of Shakespeare, hunky superstar Ralph Fiennes, and Cockney rhyming slang, but I think we can live without 'Toad in the Hole' for a while." The last time we checked, the population of Britain - some 65 million people - was said to be marching in a docile fashion to the EU-erected "cancellation centres" for "processing", while the land is being rolled up by Football Association groundskeepers and placed in a Pakistani warehouse.

 

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