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in this issue New variant CJH disease discovered Make the cool choices with our special feature Taliban Ministry of Tourism and Culture to close Foot n Mouth decimates tourism and boredom thresholds Corrs accidentally release new album News in Brief: Bono, Elvis Costello, Highlighters, Lack of Rioting, striking students, etc. Dot.com billionaire offers to buy the world a coke |
'Smokes' actually cigarettes, say scientists
The Irish people, and all the immigrants too, were rocked today by the shock findings by scientists that our lovely fags and smokes are in fact dangerous, death-causing 'cigarettes' in disguise. Boffins at University of Cork biotechnology labs announced their findings after research lasting several years into fag-smoking, a long-treasured cultural tradition in Ireland dating back to… well, dating back a long time. The scientists, many dressed in long white coats, analysed the chemical composition of the smokes, and observed the smoking habits of thousands of cheerful and healthy long-time Irish smokers, some with serious health defects which it now seems may have been caused by these 'cigarettes'. Now there are efforts to alert the smokes-smoking population of Ireland to the real effects of these cigarettes. Liberals are in favour of the change. "[Kids] are taught the dangers of cigarettes in school, but they don't realise that every time they smoke a fag, they are effectively smoking a cigarette," warned teacher Ms. Gudy Tushoos. Rumours
that yokes are actually harmful metamphetamines and that spuds are a pointless
and silly vegetable called the 'potato' were dismissed out of hand by
everyone as 'impossible' and 'not true'. |
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