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'Smokes' actually cigarettes, say scientists

-Nation's beloved fags are dangerous cancer-sticks

The Irish people, and all the immigrants too, were rocked today by the shock findings by scientists that our lovely fags and smokes are in fact dangerous, death-causing 'cigarettes' in disguise.

Boffins at University of Cork biotechnology labs announced their findings after research lasting several years into fag-smoking, a long-treasured cultural tradition in Ireland dating back to… well, dating back a long time. The scientists, many dressed in long white coats, analysed the chemical composition of the smokes, and observed the smoking habits of thousands of cheerful and healthy long-time Irish smokers, some with serious health defects which it now seems may have been caused by these 'cigarettes'.

Now there are efforts to alert the smokes-smoking population of Ireland to the real effects of these cigarettes. Liberals are in favour of the change. "[Kids] are taught the dangers of cigarettes in school, but they don't realise that every time they smoke a fag, they are effectively smoking a cigarette," warned teacher Ms. Gudy Tushoos.

Rumours that yokes are actually harmful metamphetamines and that spuds are a pointless and silly vegetable called the 'potato' were dismissed out of hand by everyone as 'impossible' and 'not true'.



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