Also in this issue

20000! Biggest number yet

New variant CJH disease discovered

Make the cool choices with our special feature

Macnas Mashed

Taliban Ministry of Tourism and Culture to close

Foot n Mouth decimates tourism and boredom thresholds

Corrs accidentally release new album

News in Brief: Bono, Elvis Costello, Highlighters, Lack of Rioting, striking students, etc.

Dot.com billionaire offers to buy the world a coke

Man freaked out by casual acquaintance

Evil Gerald, Inc. Update

 

'Smokes' actually cigarettes, say scientists



-Nation's beloved fags are dangerous cancer-sticks

The Irish people, and all the immigrants too, were rocked today by the shock findings by scientists that our lovely fags and smokes are in fact dangerous, death-causing 'cigarettes' in disguise.

Boffins at University of Cork biotechnology labs announced their findings after research lasting several years into fag-smoking, a long-treasured cultural tradition in Ireland dating back to… well, dating back a long time. The scientists, many dressed in long white coats, analysed the chemical composition of the smokes, and observed the smoking habits of thousands of cheerful and healthy long-time Irish smokers, some with serious health defects which it now seems may have been caused by these 'cigarettes'.

Now there are efforts to alert the smokes-smoking population of Ireland to the real effects of these cigarettes. Liberals are in favour of the change. "[Kids] are taught the dangers of cigarettes in school, but they don't realise that every time they smoke a fag, they are effectively smoking a cigarette," warned teacher Ms. Gudy Tushoos.

Rumours that yokes are actually harmful metamphetamines and that spuds are a pointless and silly vegetable called the 'potato' were dismissed out of hand by everyone as 'impossible' and 'not true'.

 

 

Home
    Back issues     Breaking news     Story archives     About