Also in this issue

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New variant CJH disease discovered

Make the cool choices with our special feature

Macnas Mashed

'Smokes' actually cigarettes, say scientists

Taliban Ministry of Tourism and Culture to close

Foot n Mouth decimates tourism and boredom thresholds

Corrs accidentally release new album billionaire offers to buy the world a coke

Man freaked out by casual acquaintance

Evil Gerald, Inc. Update


News in Brief

Bono, Elvis Costello agree hat-sharing treaty
-Co-operation on matters of pontificating, blarney-talking also established

Fans of male-menopausal thought-rockers were slightly taken aback recently with the recent announcement that Bono (above) and Elvis Costello (above) have reached agreement on a far-reaching hat-sharing and glasses-exchanging treaty, recently.

The ageing singers, who have developed an alarming mutual resemblance in all areas of their behaviour, appearance and cultural pronouncements, have decided to make it all official by setting in writing just how much they're going to copy each other. It is understood that Elvis Costello (not his real name) will get to wear the pork-pie hat on Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays but not the black framed glasses, while Bono (not his - or indeed anyone's - real name) gets the hat on weekends but also has full talking-shite-about-art privileges. Sources tell us that Bono, who has become something of a windbag on everything from Francis Bacon ("He was, like, the Cat in the Hat with a paintbrush") to Gay Byrne ("You're my real dad"), lobbied particularly hard for the latter concession.

In a statement released soon after, nobody cares.

Lack of Rioting clearly demonstrates public support, claims Ahern

A lack of rioting on the capital's streets over the last few days clearly demonstrates public support for the government, it was claimed by Taoiseach Bertie Ahern today. Despite lagging, sagging and possibly even flagging support in a recent national poll of voters, revelations at two separate Tribunals, and the teachers strike, the government is pleased that people have not thronged the byways of Dublin in a violent conflagration of dissent. Ahern also noted with satisfation the absence of angry mobs roaming the city's streets burning him in effigy and stomping on the Irish flag, interpreting that as "a major vote of confidence".

Highlighted Section attracts Attention

A highlighted section of study notes belonging to Trinity student Philip Flood attracted his attention whilst glancing over them for an essay. Some sections of the seemingly irrelevant passages were highlighted with a 'Stabilo Boss' marker in a flourescent colour and caught his eye. "I didn't remember reading this and I didn't think I needed to know it, but because it was highlighted it caught my attention and caused me to read it." Philip finished his essay and vowed to use more highlighters in the future, in particularly nearer the exams, "If I highlighted really important passages from my notes then I would never forget the most important parts and the bright colours would always attract my attention."

Wanker memorabilia to be displayed in Museum

A new show opened in the Modern Art Centre in Temple Bar showcasing Wanker Memorabilia entitled "What Wankers". The main attraction of the show centres on a once-fashionable BMW currently woefully out of favour in hip circles. Other attractions include gigantic mobile phones once hauled around with great difficulties by utter wankers, uselessly fecky filofaxes, pointlessly deep-water resistant watches, shiny linen suits, over-sized Levi's belt buckles and sports casuals Pringle wear.

Attending the opening of the display, current wanker Paul Rhys-Gibbon said, "This brings back so many hilarious memories for me personally, I mean what was I thinking? I was never going to be 300 feet under water and I didn't even play golf when I was wearing those clothes! I never, ever had anything written of importance in my filofax, and when was I ever going to use that street map of Tokyo inside?". When questioned as to whether he would be attending any further Wanker memorabilia shows, he stated that technology had now reached its pinnacle and was unlikely to change. "My impossibly small WAP internet, email and photo-sending mobile phone are certainly never going to be out of fashion and these over-sized combats will never be ridiculed by future pretenders to my thrown, just like my novelty mobile cover and holder. Word!"

School Students Protest Teacher Strike, Loot Urban Outfitters

Who said radicalism was dead? The secondary school students of Ireland showed their elders how to do it yesterday with a morning of protest in the city centre, followed by an afternoon spent shoplifting, blocking footpaths, and smashing and looting clothes shop Urban Outfitters.

Angered at the ongoing industrial action by members of the ASTI teaching union, which threatens to derail this summer's Junior Cert and Leaving Cert exams, students from dozens of County Dublin schools converged on the city centre. While most simply wandered the streets or gathered in parks to shift each other, occasionally waving signs at passing cars in a semblance of political activity, a sizeable group did manage to get it together enough to gather outside the Dail and chant repetitive slogans, all the time itching to disperse and go loot Urban Outfitters and other fashionable shops in the city centre.




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