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in this issue New variant CJH disease discovered Make the cool choices with our special feature 'Smokes' actually cigarettes, say scientists Taliban Ministry of Tourism and Culture to close Foot n Mouth decimates tourism and boredom thresholds Corrs accidentally release new album Dot.com billionaire offers to buy the world a coke |
News in Brief Bono,
Elvis Costello agree hat-sharing treaty
Fans
of male-menopausal thought-rockers were slightly taken aback recently
with the recent announcement that Bono (above) and Elvis Costello (above)
have reached agreement on a far-reaching hat-sharing and glasses-exchanging
treaty, recently. In a statement released soon after, nobody cares. Lack of Rioting clearly demonstrates public support, claims Ahern A
lack of rioting on the capital's streets over the last few days clearly
demonstrates public support for the government, it was claimed by Taoiseach
Bertie Ahern today. Despite lagging, sagging and possibly even flagging
support in a recent national poll of voters, revelations at two separate
Tribunals, and the teachers strike, the government is pleased that people
have not thronged the byways of Dublin in a violent conflagration of dissent.
Ahern also noted with satisfation the absence of angry mobs roaming the
city's streets burning him in effigy and stomping on the Irish flag, interpreting
that as "a major vote of confidence". Highlighted Section attracts Attention A highlighted section of study notes belonging to Trinity student Philip Flood attracted his attention whilst glancing over them for an essay. Some sections of the seemingly irrelevant passages were highlighted with a 'Stabilo Boss' marker in a flourescent colour and caught his eye. "I didn't remember reading this and I didn't think I needed to know it, but because it was highlighted it caught my attention and caused me to read it." Philip finished his essay and vowed to use more highlighters in the future, in particularly nearer the exams, "If I highlighted really important passages from my notes then I would never forget the most important parts and the bright colours would always attract my attention." Wanker memorabilia to be displayed in Museum A new show opened in the Modern Art Centre in Temple Bar showcasing Wanker Memorabilia entitled "What Wankers". The main attraction of the show centres on a once-fashionable BMW currently woefully out of favour in hip circles. Other attractions include gigantic mobile phones once hauled around with great difficulties by utter wankers, uselessly fecky filofaxes, pointlessly deep-water resistant watches, shiny linen suits, over-sized Levi's belt buckles and sports casuals Pringle wear. Attending
the opening of the display, current wanker Paul Rhys-Gibbon said, "This
brings back so many hilarious memories for me personally, I mean what
was I thinking? I was never going to be 300 feet under water and I didn't
even play golf when I was wearing those clothes! I never, ever had anything
written of importance in my filofax, and when was I ever going to use
that street map of Tokyo inside?". When questioned as to whether
he would be attending any further Wanker memorabilia shows, he stated
that technology had now reached its pinnacle and was unlikely to change.
"My impossibly small WAP internet, email and photo-sending mobile
phone are certainly never going to be out of fashion and these over-sized
combats will never be ridiculed by future pretenders to my thrown, just
like my novelty mobile cover and holder. Word!" School Students Protest Teacher Strike, Loot Urban Outfitters Who said radicalism was dead? The secondary school students of Ireland showed their elders how to do it yesterday with a morning of protest in the city centre, followed by an afternoon spent shoplifting, blocking footpaths, and smashing and looting clothes shop Urban Outfitters. Angered at the ongoing industrial action by members of the ASTI teaching union, which threatens to derail this summer's Junior Cert and Leaving Cert exams, students from dozens of County Dublin schools converged on the city centre. While most simply wandered the streets or gathered in parks to shift each other, occasionally waving signs at passing cars in a semblance of political activity, a sizeable group did manage to get it together enough to gather outside the Dail and chant repetitive slogans, all the time itching to disperse and go loot Urban Outfitters and other fashionable shops in the city centre.
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