in this issue
Biggest number yet
the cool choices with our special feature
actually cigarettes, say scientists
Ministry of Tourism and Culture to close
n Mouth decimates tourism and boredom thresholds
accidentally release new album
in Brief: Bono, Elvis Costello, Highlighters, Lack of Rioting, striking
billionaire offers to buy the world a coke
freaked out by casual acquaintance
Gerald, Inc. Update
variant CJH disease discovered
The markets were in turmoil last night after scientologists working for
the Moriarty tribunal confirmed the first known case of the crippling
disease known as New Variant CJH (nvCJH) in a bundle of five pound notes.
The cash is known to have originated in a money tree or cash cow in the
lush grassland of North County Dublin. It was then moved to a location
on the island of Jersey by a Mr A Burke who has a permanent address with
a prominent firm of solicitors in Dublin city.
The effects of nvCJH were obvious on Mr Burke. When quizzed by the tribunal
yesterday as to why he had moved the money, by speedboat, to the tax-haven
island, and then back to Ireland endangering the entire country's loot
community, he said "I just did, right". Asked if he thought
this was a valid reason, Mr Burke clarified that "It's not an explanation,
it's an excuse, right".
Quizzed on what would be done witht the infected wonga, a tribunal-groupie
and hired mouth said all money printed that had passed through the hands
of a politician, ever, would have to be thrown into a large dark star
in the centre of Dublin as the only safe means of disposal.
Pressed further by Gerald reporters, the tribunal-junkie agreed that the
term 'Dark Star' had last been used in the ridiculously outmoded 1970's
sci-fi series Space 1999 to describe the astronomical phenomenon of the
black hole or dense collapsed star, but explained that the Revenue Commissioners
were "a wee bit slow to catch on".
Slapped about the face and threatened with a purple nurple, he handed
over confidential documents, £2 and four Carroll's Number 10 which
the Evil Gerald enjoyed at lunch. He is not pressing charges.
of the deadly disease
five pound note arrested and quarantined in Jersey by a Sergeant Bergerac
described the effects of the disease to the Gerald's Fanny Boyle from
its hospital bed
Xsm444207: Well, you just lose all motivation, like. You don't know who
you are, where you came from, or where you're going. You become withdrawn
and spend all your time hiding in bathrooms and hot presses.
The fiver, last night
Do you feel bad about yourself?
Xsm444207: You just feel like a criminal. You stop buyin' good, healthy
stuff like electoral posters and you end up buying political favours for
property developers and house extensions for the likes of Michael Lowry.
G: If you could go back and change anything, what would it be?
Xsm444207: You do get to see a lot of the world (coughs). I was 8.75 Swiss
francs for seven months in 1989. But you lose all contact. A few years
ago I was John Scotus. But now look at me - I'm Catherine bleedin' McAuley,
same fiver two years ago, on
'business' in the
Are you positive about the future?
Xsm444207: You have to be, don't you? I mean, nobody else is going to
do it for you. But if I see the inside of one more brown paper bag I swear
yiz'll all be screwed. There's a lot more of us out there than you think.