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Dogs
in the street now more knowledgeable than average citizen
Job-seeker
regrets not lying about being team-player
Enterprise
to be "ready by Christmas, deffo", says Chief O'Brien
Bush
describes personal health report as "fatally flawed"
Special
media report: Where Aren't They Now?
Owner
of two-metre wide, five-metre-long Land Cruiser "can't believe this
traffic"
.TMP
file of Douglas Coupland's 'Microserfs' sold for $2m
Beijing
invites Falun Gong to big stadium for 'Olympic celebration'
Pervert
'liked to touch women's skin'.... Society definitely getting worse, says
study
Corrections
and Clarifications
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Beijingians
were jubilant last night at the news that the much-maligned Falun Gong
quasi-religion would be recognised as an official Olympic sport in time
for the 2008 Olympic games. Local residents danced in the streets celebrating
the decision with cries of "Execute the vile meditators!"
The international Olympic Committee voted 85 to 19 in favour of recognition
of the group which has been persecuted by Chinese authorities since it
was outlawed in 1999. The sect, whose followers the Chinese government
accuse of being in a murderous cult, is to be included in the $20bn (60€)
splurge on Olympic grandeur, with its own purpose-built stadium equipped
with all the complicated and expensive equipment Falun Gong practitioners
require. Such specialities include some grass and a tree.
Just Falun' around!
The
Chinese government, who admit that 14 female Falun Gong prisoners died
in custody in an unbotched suicide attempt last month, denies that the
inclusion of inward-facing machine gun turrets in the draft stadium blueprints
seen by the Evil Gerald Beijing office was evidence that the arena had
a "dual-use" role.
The Evil Gerald caught up with one practitioner, Li Xiao, in jail in the
middle of an actual beating who told us through bloody teeth that he suspected
the luxury stadium would double as a venue for the pre-execution show-trials
so popular in China of late. He was immediately dragged away by three
guards who in shifts of eight hours each kept him awake for 14 days in
what a Police spokesman later described as "Olympic training".
He denied any stadiumnal dual-use plans but thanked The Evil Gerald for
the suggestion.
The evil cult hopes to rake in sponsorship from such giants as Coke and
Kodak and is currently in negotiations with Red Bull. Falun Gong Grand
Wizard and founder Li Hongzhi said he was surprised at the decision in
view of the fact that the Falun Gong symbol has a swastika on it, but
nevertheless welcomed it, adding "There is air, there is sky. Who
are you?"
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