The Evil Gerald Online - News in Brief

Pervert 'liked to touch women's skin'
Cork sicko Peter Rymark loved to ask women out on dates and TRY TO TOUCH THEIR SKIN, a court was told yesterday. Rymark is charged with numerous accounts of attempted sexual intercourse with pleasant, attractive women, who he met IN BARS and then stalked in a series of pre-arranged meetings.

The so-called (by us) 'Monster of Macroom' could not control his MAD PERVERSIONS, according to expert witness Dr. Shavo Twull, an authority who examined him. "Peter confessed to me that he felt these 'urges' to kiss and caress the BODIES [our emphasis] of females he knew or even saw on the street WALKING AROUND [his emphasis]", Dr. Twull told an amazed court-room, as men gasped or yelled and women swooned in shock. "I am convinced that he will act on these impulses again if he is not stopped".

The court also heard that 'Letch of the Lee' Rymark also harboured ambitions of being famous, and wanted a successful career.

Society really getting worse - report
According to a report released by the International Society for the Study of Social Change (ISSSC), society really is becoming worse and worse. Yes, as old people remind us with teeth-grinding regularity, it's not like it was in the old days.

"We took sample incidents from the last forty-five years, world-wide," says Art McHoan of the UCLA-based research group. "And the results were quite astounding. Our figures clearly show a mean increase in what we call intolerability, or the extent to which the world makes you want to scream."

Critics of the group have pointed to, among other things, the subjective nature of happiness, in order to draw attention to what they see as the study's shortfallings. But McHoan is quick to dismiss them. "If you want to sit around splitting hairs about whatever, then, yeah, go for it. But our study shows that due to the incredible surge in mean badness our culture is experientiating, we are approaching the 'event horizon', a point of no return and lots of bad clothes."

This 'event horizon' has made McHoan a pariah in the scientific community. "Don't shoot the messenger," he urges, although this plea is likely to fall on deaf ears, as motiveless, violent shootings have increased over the same period to the point where we will all die.