Dogs in the street now more knowledgeable than average citizen

Job-seeker regrets not lying about being team-player

Enterprise to be "ready by Christmas, deffo", says Chief O'Brien

Bush describes personal health report as "fatally flawed"

Special media report: Where Aren't They Now?

Owner of two-metre wide, five-metre-long Land Cruiser "can't believe this traffic"

.TMP file of Douglas Coupland's 'Microserfs' sold for $2m

Beijing invites Falun Gong to big stadium for 'Olympic celebration'

Pervert 'liked to touch women's skin'.... Society definitely getting worse, says study

Corrections and Clarifications

 

Bush describes personal health report as "fatally flawed"

Responding to a cautionary report from his personal physician yesterday, George W. Bush (left) - known to millions of tv viewers as the President of America - has described the doctor's diagnosis as "fatally flawed" and "based on insufficient evidence".

White House physician Dr. Rowley Cole warned the President during the check-up that his unilaterally unhealthy lifestyle increased the risk of future catastrophic biological collapse. "Mr. Bush smokes a lot of these rich cigars, and his carbon emissions are, well, not normal", Coles told a press conference soon after. "I'm just worried that if he continues down this path of reckless endangerment, he'll be creating a problem for those who come after him: you know, by eating other peoples' food and making the curtains smelly, that kind of thing".

Bush chose to disagree. After consulting with aides, he released a statement questioning the scientific basis of Cole's conclusions. "I don't think it's a foregone conclusion at all that just because my body is completely sick that my health is going to be damaged in the long run", he said. "What we need is more research to be certain what the outcome of my declining health will be for me. After all, doctors seem to change their minds about what’s healthy and what’s not almost every century." Bush then described Cole's PhD in Medicine from Georgetown University as "a relic".

But most experts agree that if concerted action is not taken, Bush will continue to decline, with his surface temperature projected to rise by up to 6 degrees Celsius by 2008, rendering his body mostly uninhabitable.

 
 

 

 

Home
    Back issues     Breaking news     Story archives     About