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Fianna Fail Ard Fheis Report
After a turbulent month in the world's economic climate the Taoiseach Bertie Ahern addressed the national assembly of the Fianna Fail party to instill new hope for the stability of Irish business and continued growth in the coming years.

Speaking to the gathered party members from a podium adorned with snakes, many comely maidens in various beaten-metal bikinis and donning the traditional Fianna Fail high-priest garb of cape and staff, he informed the party, and the nation, that "Ireland is a vibrant, new place. We in Fianna Fail will continue to support this, to make Ireland thrive, to make it great…thus sayeth the book of Omicron."

Dazzling the assembled media with the passion and direction of his speech Ahern promised that he would "not seek vengeance for the untimely death of the seven lords of Nathos, but would foster peace through a bipartisan approach to committee building."

Peres vows to honour memory of Rehavam Zeevi by 'struggling for the lasting peace he never wanted'
Israeli foreign minister Shimon Peres has announced that he will pay tribute to slain cabinet minister Rehavam Zeevi in his own, very personal way - by searching for a durable peace accord with the Palestinians of the type which, if he was still alive, Zeevi would have resisted with every sinew in his body.

Mr Zeevi, a hardline right-winger infamous for his anti-Palestinian views, was shot dead by gunmen as he rested in his hotel room in Jerusalem. "Zeevi was a nasty piece of work, but that didn't mean he deserved to be murdered", commented Peres. "We need to build towards a society where reactionary loons like him can express their misguided views in safety, without the threat of a fatal rejoinder of the type that silenced him so abruptly last Wednesday".

Everyone in NI to be employed in home furnishing industry by 2004 - study
A spokesman for the Harry Corry chain of home furnishing stores welcomed with delight the findings of a recent study by Queen's University that everyone in NI except the very young, the old and the infirm would be employed selling carpets, fitting kitchens and putting in mock-marble fireplaces in three years time.

"Tes a great boost," he said "Yay see there is a gude saide tay all the farbamans and the dread people in the praavance feel when they even thank a gayan ayt at night. It makes em bay more farnature and floor-cavaran."

A spokesman for the Real Real No Really the Real IRA (RRNRIRA) also welcomed the findings saying "At least nay wa'll know whare ta faind eavrybady and we can reast ashared that nainty-nain taims out av a handread thay'll be in ther sattn room when we shoot through the wanda."




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