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Appleton sisters' shocking autobiography

-Their new book blasts leading musos
-What they think about the modern aleatory style (clue: it's pants!)

A frank and controversial new autobiography from former All Saints stars Natalie and Nicole Appleton slams several world-famous musicians and claims their work is "unoriginal". The foul-mouthed tome, Saints and Sinners, takes a swipe at writers and performers alike - and it doesn't pull any punches!

The five hundred page polemic describes Cezar Francke's piano concertos as "romantic twaddle", adding: "Where's his facking sense of humour? And he was crap in bed, probably". The girls claim that Mozart slept with his sister, Nannerl, and that Beethoven eventually succumbed to a form of hearing impairment, branding him a "tone-deaf cant".

The sisters sign copies of their
hard-hitting musical memoirs

But its not just European musicians who fall foul of the Appletons. British heroes come in for a bashing too. Nicole damns Lord Benjamin Britten's "Metamorphoses" as "flawed and uninspired - where's the passion, Benjy? At least when we went into the studio we put our heart and soul into all our work, even the standing around and refusing to dance - no matter what some other cants might say. I hate the facking oboe, anyway".

Continuing the no-nonsense narrative, Natalie describes (p.74) her first listening of Zoltan Kodaly's "Sonata for Cello in Solo (opus 8)" at the Academy of Music, Budapest - the week their first single "I Know Where It's At" was released. She unleashes a right royal tongue-lashing: "Our midweek [record sales] figures had just come in and they weren't what we had been hoping for - I was in a foul humour. I just remember being sat there and thinking, "what is this twat on?" He's havin' a larf if he thinks this represents the logical development of cello solos from Bach's suites, a whole two hundred years ago. Plonker."

A further paragraph exploring Kodaly's "friendship" with Bela Bartok was excised at the last minute, due to a complaint from Bartok's last remaining relative, who said that speculation on the dead man's proclivities was "unhelpful".

When confronted in London's trendy and non-existent Met Bar about their provocative opinions on music, the sisters were defiant. "We might not know much about the early baroque period, but we know what's pants when we hear it."




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