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Hollywood Superstars announce sham engagement

Hollywood super-couple Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz yesterday announced to a literally disbelieving world that they were "very much in love" and engaged to be married.

The unconvincing revelation was carefully timed to coincide with the release in the American Stateside of the film "Vanilla Sky", in which the sham couple pretend to be in love with each other. This might not have been much of a stretch for Cruise and Cruz, both long used to covering up their real personalities and shameful secret lives, the better to transmit an image of wholesome normality in film and in real life.

Awkwardly clutching at the waist of his Spanish 'fiancee', Tom Cruise - legendary movie star and secret homosexual - told reporters "After the ending of my non-marriage to Nicole, I thought I wouldn't feel ready to commit to another lasting, illusory relationship for some time. I never expected to so quickly meet someone I could easily pretend to truly love and respect. In a very short time, Penelope and I appear to have become very close, as those close to us have already been led to believe".

"I wholeheartedly agree", added Cruz, smiling painfully for the flashing lights of the gathered press. "As a confirmed lesbian, I think it's the right time in my life to settle down and get married to a handsome, likeable gay superstar. We've been sham-dating for some time now, long enough to know that what we've got could easily pass for a passionate, glamorous fairy-tale story of love. I'm sure I speak for us both when I say that while my wild sexual exploits of the past may not be over, at least you won't all be hearing about them anymore".




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