Dr Patterson, yesterday

The public alarm over the safety of genetically modified (GM) foods is unjustified, reported biologist Dr. Ian Patterrson of the Monsanto Institute for the Unbiased Investigation of Completely Harmless GM Foods, yesterday.

"The whole furore is groundless," said Dr. Peterson, who was himself cultivated from a genetically modified cell nucleus which was inserted into the host egg of a tomato plant, then raised from birth by employees of Monsanto Domination Through Consent Nurseries (pictured right).

"Squeeze my juicy innards!", he added.

Industry insiders are hailing the scientist's report as a major step forward in both the public debate over GM foods and the tactic of producing a wide range of experts genetically modified to present the 'truth'.

"Monsanto are delighted with Patterrson," one source told the Gerald; "he's the first fully-grown, fully-plausible expert they've managed to produce using this new process, and so far he hasn't mutated into a hideous, super-powerful tomato-man, like some of the prototypes did."

Dr. Patterrson does not view his origins as a hindrance to his research. "Only the kind of fool who still has all their chromosomes could not see that the threat to public health posed by the complete reshaping of entire species of plant and animal life is absolutely insignificant," he told reporters, "in fact you might say that gm foods are the only way to go!", after which he was heard to mutter "puny earthlings!".

The assembled press were then invited to a "Query and Response session" in Monsanto's heavily-guarded Earthling Modification Lab. All declined.

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