in this issue
discover gene for gullibiltiy - Evil Gerald exclusive!
potheads hail drug smuggling successes.
/ Met Éireann feud escalates.
'e-tailing' site not a waste of time - shocker
acquires Catholic church in $9.6bn take-over
lady cautioned for punching children. We ask: is nothing sacred?
- something must be done!
skool' walkman actually just crap
by The Evil Gerald, inc.
discover gene for gullibility - Evil Gerald exclusive!
you thought that the scientists who recently discovered that you get more
wet if you walk through rain than if you run were the smartest people
ever, then prepare to change your mind or be completely wrong. Because
the Evil Gerald can exclusively reveal today that boffins at UCD's Biotechnology
lab have discovered the human DNA gene for gullibility.
Earlier this week, this reporter was invited to view the groundbreaking
research being conducted by UCD's Professor Ian Barfield and his assistants.
Dressed in a long white coat, Prof. Barfield lead me into the research
centre, promising cheerfully that he had "something very exciting
for your readers".
A scientist grows genes in special pots
he invited me to peer into a microscope over a petri-dish full of stuff
in water. All I could see were green circular
things bobbing about in the goo.
"What is it?", I asked.
"Well," he answered with a smile, "We've been working on
this for many months, but I think we've finally cracked it.
That is the gene for human gullibility".
"Wow!", I said, "Really?"
"Yes, really", he replied.
"Once we had isolated with X-rays what areas of the DNA strand controlled
gullibility", he continued, "We tested the individual genes
by removing them with a stethoscope and then interviewing the subject
to see if they were more or less gullible then before".
"When we knew for certain which gene it was, we patented it with
lasers so that nobody else would be able to use it".
"That sounds difficult", I pressed him.
"Oh, it was", he answered, with a broad grin. "We nearly
missed and hit the gene for eyebrows by mistake. That would have been
Regretfully, I had to leave at that point, but Professor Barfield, by
now giggling with excitement at his discovery, insisted I take home one
of the genes that they had taken out of a dead man.
"It looks very big", I remarked, rolling the thimble-sized,
bean-like object between my fingers.
"Yes," replied the Professor, "But you'd be surprised how
many genes the legs can hold".