in this issue
discover gene for gullibiltiy - Evil Gerald exclusive!
potheads hail drug smuggling successes.
/ Met Éireann feud escalates.
'e-tailing' site not a waste of time - shocker
acquires Catholic church in $9.6bn take-over
lady cautioned for punching children. We ask: is nothing sacred?
- something must be done!
skool' walkman actually just crap
by The Evil Gerald, inc.
skool' Walkman actually complete crap
College linguistics student, Astrid Nolan, was shocked to hear yesterday
that her seven year old Walkman is, in fact, a two-bit piece of crap and
not the 'old skool' kitsch, as she had pretended.
The incident occurred when a group of her classmates were meeting in Pravda,
Dublin's first faux-communist vodka bar - so retro. Beneath the post-modern
murals, Astrid accidentally exposed her Walkman that she bought some time
ago with money she got from her granny for her confirmation.
Mary-Elizabeth Kilduff, who has secretly had it in for Nolan when that
bitch scored that guy from her tutorial, made a few passing comments about
the Walkman before everyone joined in. "I was like so embarrassed"
said Astrid, wearing a second-hand sheepskin coat she bought at the Eager
Beaver. "I arrived late because the first 46A was full and when I
got to my friends, I took my Walkman out to switch it off. Then they started
all going like: 'wow that thing's huge and 'like, did you get that thing
out of, like, the Stone Age?'"
yeah, funky yeah
She had modified it to look more "funky". "I jazzed it
up with some flowers and an Adidas three-stripe in Tipp-Ex and some quotes
like 'The mother of dissipation is not joy but joylessness' and 'without
language thought is a vague, uncharted nebula' - I know they're not catchy
but they look intellectual. And I was listening to Now 5, so that's kinda
'old skool' isn't it?"
Astrid was forced to admit owning a clearly out-of-date personal stereo.
"You can get away with anything these days by calling it 'old skool'
- well, almost anything. This time, I was wrong" she explained. "My
walkman is a piece of crap," she sobbed, wiping away her tears with
the sleeves of her second hand Adidas tracksuit top.
Top in-house fashion expert, Ginger Very, explained the thrust of this
incident, relating it to a sprawl of incidents sweeping the "posho
inner city". "These kids just think that it's oh so cool to
wear clothes with dirty, ripped hems and clothes half falling apart and
smelling of mothballs and other people's BO. The most extreme dichotomy
is the fusing of electronics with 'old skool'. It's straight out of an
Orwellian nightmare, dah'ling. If I were Astrid, I'd ditch my 'old skool'
linguist friends and capitalise on the upcoming cyber-lumberjack chic
that seems to be developing a nice nitch [sic.]."
advice it may be but it won't regain the respect Nolan has lost. The upshot
is: don't call something 'old skool' unless you're sure that the peer
you follow has claimed it first. Astrid's life is over, she told the Evil
Gerald: "my life is over". Don't you make the same mistake -
be careful, don't be sorry.