Also in this issue
Intel acquires Catholic Church in $9.6bn takeover
-"Church leaders were given adequate severance packages"
In a shock move today by the Catholic Church, the Pope and a majority of Cardinals have signed over 68% of stock, a controlling share, to the Intel Corporation. This takeover of Catholicism by Intel is, at US$9.6bn, the largest theological takeover in business history, its nearest competitor being IBM's move on Buddhism last year (valued at US$7.2bn).
The Pope, mumbling to a crowd of shareholders in St. Peter's square, Rome, earlier this afternoon, stated "I feel that this is the right direction to take. We want to make sure that Christ's word maintains its strong position in the market place, and that we continue to experience growth for the foreseeable future". On being questioned why the Pope signed over his controlling interest, he responded "You didn't think I was going to leave it to that bunch of purple-hatted bastards? They couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery. Christianity needs strong leadership and Intel could provide that". He concluded, "May the new Pentium 4 bless you. In the name of the substantial shareholders, the silicon, and the holy processor".
After signing the deal Intel President and CEO Craig Barret said that "we felt we needed to maintain a strong role in the theological market. We believe that we can make the word of Jesus 56% faster than it currently is, and with new multimedia technologies, we will spread the word of God to more people than ever before".
Other plans include switching confession and communion over to a production line facility at Avignon, the use of transubstantiation for silicon manufacture, and a mandatory annual journey to California for all Christianity shareholders. "Christ", "The True Cross", "Jesus", and all saints' names have been trademarked and may only be used by parents with permission. In the Bible, Simon Peter is to be renamed 'Gigaflop'. October this year will see the release of Intel Jesus III, to coincide with the Microsoft X-Box.
Some analysts see this as a counter-move to AMDK's recent acquisition of Hinduism. "AMDK have certainly upped the stakes, their new all-things-at-once technology promises a great deal, however, we are confident that by utilising divine omnipotence, MMX, and angelic nano-technology we can go one better, after all, how many angels can fit on a single chip? Our researchers have also discovered potential overheating problems in AMDK powered machines, largely due to the fires of hell and damnation we will cast upon them."
will be introducing a return to Intel Papal Indulgences. This is to ensure
good liquidity in the changeover period. We feel that this move will bolster
our stock levels, and hope that by this time 2003 we will be in a position
to take a 31% share in God©®."