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Dalai Lama 'kicks ass'

Socialist worker party closes down world bank

Fianna Fail passes that bill

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Vigilante sheep groups on rampage throughout land

News in brief - Ronan's new body; Statistics questioned by statistics; S Drugs 7 slammed; Murderous rage ebbs


Crazed sheep leader General Baa Baa,
flanked by minions

-Wooly killers get their own back
-Cows 'acting mighty suspicious'

There was more panic than usual on the streets of Dundalk last night as violent gangs of sheep went on a surprise bloody rampage. The wooly, wild-eyed marauders were armed with an array of basic combat instruments and took no prisoners as they marched through the town, bleating and killing. The town hall was occupied, with over 200 people killed, and the vicious sheep have treatened that they may take more lives.

In a statement from the leader of the sheep, General Ba Ba, the shock capture of Dundalk was in response to the Sheep Cull (or "Night of the Burning Wool"). General Ba Ba also stated that "this is in revenge for the death of our brethren. We will continue the fight in memory of those slain". They also demanded an apology from the Irish government, autonomy for areas inhabited by indigenous sheep tribes, and the return of ancestral lands in and around the Curragh.

The sheep are presently holding a group of farmers hostage in the Town Hall, and an armed guard has been set up around Drogheda as it is feared that the sheep may move south.

The leader of the Irish humans, Mr. Bertie Ahern, has said that he will not apologise for the cull, although he did state a level of "regret" at the death of those sheep killed. He confirmed that he will take affirmative action if necessary, adding that the government take a "dim and serious" view of the situation.

As sheep farmers across Ireland have began to stock up on weaponary in fear of an all-out breakout of war between sheep and humans, Mr. Ahern has sent an envoy, dressed in sheep's clothing, to Dundalk in an effort to broker a diplomatic settlement.

However, the Irish Prime Minister has also ordered that a so-called "sheep-shield" be placed around the Irish Houses of Parliament. This has fuelled rumours that the Irish government are preparing for a war with the sheep.

At the time of the going to the press, the leader of the cows, General Moo Moo has not confirmed if he will be supporting the sheep, although he is expected to make a statement some time tomorrow, if someone hasn't culled him by then.



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