Also in this issue:

Shaggy advises Bev: "Say it wasn't you"

D-commerce boom attracts thousands

Men await new skincare products, mental anguish

Dalai Lama 'kicks ass'

Socialist worker party closes down world bank

Fianna Fail passes that bill

I'm not a person, I'm a top creative

Vigilante sheep groups on rampage throughout land

News in brief - Ronan's new body; Statistics questioned by statistics; S Drugs 7 slammed; Murderous rage ebbs



The loveable Dalai Lama, who I think is just great

-Official! He's the world's most popular Tibetan
A jubilant spokesman for the Dalai Lama has revealed that he tops a worldwide popularity poll of Tibetans.

"It's official!" spluttered a giddy Marcus Grelsch."His Holiness is the Tibetan of choice for 98% of the world's population. Only 1% voted for Sherpa whatshisname, the guy who helped the other guys up that mountain. And another 1% voted for the kid out of 'Seven Years in Tibet'. But guess what? That kid IS the Dalai Lama! Whoo!"

After calming down, Grelsch tried to explain the Dalai Lama's popularity, and more importantly, his role on the world stage. "His Holiness is perfect for those organising high-profile functions. He doesn't drink, smoke, take drugs or eat, so that's an obvious plus. And if he shows up at a lavish showbiz party or whatever, which he generally does, it's guaranteed to hit the headlines".

Referring to the more political purpose of the Dalai Lama, Grelsch spoke more soberly. "Sure, something happened back there with China. But let's be brutally honest. It's not like the same thing hasn't happened the world over since the beginning of time. What matters is that Tibet has the Dalai Lama. If he went back, people would forget that there is a country out there called Tibet, and some of their people wear orange".

Speaking on one of the Holy Tibetan's favourite topics, his exile from his own homeland, Grelsch revealed that the Dalai Lama was always on the move. "It's become a joke between us. I tell His Holiness he's too busy to be exiled! That reminds me, the Paris Spring Collections are out this week."



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