Also in this issue:

Shaggy advises Bev: "Say it wasn't you"

D-commerce boom attracts thousands

Men await new skincare products, mental anguish

Dalai Lama 'kicks ass'

Socialist worker party closes down world bank

Fianna Fail passes that bill

I'm not a person, I'm a top creative

Vigilante sheep groups on rampage throughout land

News in brief - Ronan's new body; Statistics questioned by statistics; S Drugs 7 slammed; Murderous rage ebbs


Ronan hopes new body 'bod'es well for U.S. success!
Ronan Keating (left) is banking on a £300,000 makeover to help him conquer America. The Boyzone star, already a huge success in Europe but 'deshperate', say close friends, to 'crack' the U.S., has bowed to pressure from record label bosses and traded in his boyish good lucks for a more feminine, some would say large-breasted, look. And now our Ronan, complete with new limbs, torso, head and hair (but still with the same shit teeth - money can't fix everything) is confident of being 'Lucky' enough to get a hit 'Just One More Time'!.

43% of statistics wrong - report
According to a scientific report released recently, up to 43% of all statistics in scientific reports are completely wrong. Researchers at some university in America arrived at the finding using complex mathematics we won't go into here, but their conclusion is bound to worry many, particularly ignorant media hacks used to rehashing dumbed-down science as gee-whiz sci-fi to a gawping, listless public too tv-addled and sedentary to think or fend for themselves.

S Club 7 not role models, says Harney
-PD boss warns against throwing hands in air like you just don't care
Teen sensations SClub7 pose a threat to the nation's booming economy and should be ignored by the Irish youth, said Tanaiste Mary Harney from a villa in Spain yesterday. The practice of throwing your hands in the air like you just don't care is undermining our ability to compete in an increasingly globalised marketplace, she also added. "Those young hands should be kept firmly on computer keyboards," warned the Tanaiste, basking lizard-like in the midday sun. "You're really messing with the formula if you think you can get us rich and have fun," she added. Dismayed by Harney's comments, Maire Kearney, 5th year class head at Holy Child, Killiney said "the Tanaiste doesn't seem to realise that there ain't no party like an SClub party".

Murderous rage abates slightly
Dublin man David Togher's urge to kill other people eased a little today, after an enjoyable conversation with a coworker, during which the pair discussed the previous night's television with better-than-average faux-amiability and slightly fewer awkward silences than usual. However, his homicidal impulses rose again after a perceived slight at lunchtime, when a colleague asked everybody at the table if they wanted any Maltesers except him. It is thought that Togher has not yet decided whether or not to go through with any of the killings about which he fantasises daily.



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