Ronan
hopes new body 'bod'es well for U.S. success!
Ronan
Keating (left) is banking on a £300,000 makeover to help him conquer
America. The Boyzone star, already a huge success in Europe but 'deshperate',
say close friends, to 'crack' the U.S., has bowed to pressure from record
label bosses and traded in his boyish good lucks for a more feminine,
some would say large-breasted, look. And now our Ronan, complete with
new limbs, torso, head and hair (but still with the same shit teeth
- money can't fix everything) is confident of being 'Lucky' enough to
get a hit 'Just One More Time'!.
43%
of statistics wrong - report
According to a scientific report released recently, up to 43% of all
statistics in scientific reports are completely wrong. Researchers at
some university in America arrived at the finding using complex mathematics
we won't go into here, but their conclusion is bound to worry many,
particularly ignorant media hacks used to rehashing dumbed-down science
as gee-whiz sci-fi to a gawping, listless public too tv-addled and sedentary
to think or fend for themselves.
S
Club 7 not role models, says Harney
-PD boss warns against throwing hands in air like you just don't care
Teen sensations SClub7 pose a threat to the nation's booming economy
and should be ignored by the Irish youth, said Tanaiste Mary Harney
from a villa in Spain yesterday. The practice of throwing your hands
in the air like you just don't care is undermining our ability to compete
in an increasingly globalised marketplace, she also added. "Those
young hands should be kept firmly on computer keyboards," warned
the Tanaiste, basking lizard-like in the midday sun. "You're really
messing with the formula if you think you can get us rich and have fun,"
she added. Dismayed by Harney's comments, Maire Kearney, 5th year class
head at Holy Child, Killiney said "the Tanaiste doesn't seem to
realise that there ain't no party like an SClub party".
Murderous
rage abates slightly
Dublin man David Togher's urge to kill other people eased a little today,
after an enjoyable conversation with a coworker, during which the pair
discussed the previous night's television with better-than-average faux-amiability
and slightly fewer awkward silences than usual. However, his homicidal
impulses rose again after a perceived slight at lunchtime, when a colleague
asked everybody at the table if they wanted any Maltesers except him.
It is thought that Togher has not yet decided whether or not to go through
with any of the killings about which he fantasises daily.
