Also in this issue:

Shaggy advises Bev: "Say it wasn't you"

D-commerce boom attracts thousands

Men await new skincare products, mental anguish

Dalai Lama 'kicks ass'

Socialist worker party closes down world bank

Fianna Fail passes that bill

I'm not a person, I'm a top creative

Vigilante sheep groups on rampage throughout land

News in brief - Ronan's new body; Statistics questioned by statistics; S Drugs 7 slammed; Murderous rage ebbs


The World Bank has shut its doors for the last time following a petition from the Socialist Workers party which requested them to do so. The petition, complete with 238 signatures was handed to a security guard at the world's leading bank on Friday afternoon. The guard then passed it on to James Wolfensohn, the head of the organisation, who then made the decision to shut the bank for good.

"We cannot operate in the light of such a petition", said Max Johnston, Junior Vice Deputy President of the World Bank, "we decided to cut our losses and just shut down".

Leading Socialists have reacted with surprise, excitement and downright jubilance at the decision. One of them, whose name the Evil Gerald can't quite remember, remarked, "usually we are laughed at. Let's face it, we are a bunch of drop-outs, so we were pretty surprised when they actually took notice".

Although 238 people signed the petition, it is believed that this figure could have risen had it not been for several party splits which occurred on the bus into town with the surveys. Several members were not happy with the choice of location for the petition signing, arguing that to stay on the footpath was "to bow to the oppression of car owners who are probably considerably richer than us".

This contretemps was followed by an attempt by one acitivist to 'reclaim' the middle lane of O'Connell St outside the GPO. His condition was later described as 'serious but stable'.

Three other members then left the bus due to
ideological differences with the bus driver. They claimed to know a shortcut but their advice fell on deaf ears. It is expected that all splinter groups will be dealt with in a wave of bloody fighting and/or stern-letter-writing within the next few days.

The party has now set its sights on the global economy, and are hoping to petition against it within the next week or so. "This time we are hoping for at least 300 signatures", said a leading leftie, before adding, "it would be great if we could close the World Bank and the global economy in one week".

Meanwhile, the Brazilian government has halted the destruction of the Amazonian rainforest after receiving what a spokesman described as an 'eye-opening' email. "It had obviously been forwarded a lot, because it had loads of those little arrows at the side", the spokesman said.

"That means lots of people read it, or at least took the effort to press 'forward'. We have no choice but to bow under this international pressure. The rainforest must be saved".



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