In a surprise move, the Catholic Church in Ireland has announced that it is to dispense with the use of so-called 'holy water', which was until now used to bless coffins, sprinkle on mass-goers, and fill hand-bowls at church entrances. Instead, in what is already being called 'the cross-promotional synergy-bop of the year', Church holy men will from now on be using Kombucha, the well-known herbal drink and miracle of nature.
Church spokesperson Davin Power denied that it was an insane and transparent attempt to drag people back to mass while hopefully making plenty of wonga out of the posters, banners and other Kombucha promotional material expected to soon festoon churches around the country (see rendition by a eight-year-old artist, right). Then he ran off.
Kombucha PR cheese Lorcanzo Fadbhamh was more forthcoming. "Here at Kombucha we're all very excited by this partnership between Ireland's premier peer-to-peer persuasion hub - the Catholic Church - and the world's favourite natural but expensive drink, famous for it's refreshing taste, harmonization of body and soul, and of course it's promotion of intestinal flora", he said, before going on to give a short history of the amazing drink.
"It all started when we took a popular homemade herbal mixture and began to mass-market it as an overpriced luxury item aimed at wealthy stressed-out idiots with an image problem", he began. "And the rest is history".
Church intents to continue it's efforts to attract a younger demographic
to it's services. Future initiatives may include: