The Evil Gerald - News in brief

RTE slams Angelus blast
RTE were last night in the middle of a row with Church leaders over their desicion to rename he Angelus as "A short film of people looking mildly distracted"

"This thing cost us a fortune to remake and the ratings are still crap," said one spokesperson for the TV station. "If we are to have any chance of stealing people away form TV3 than we have to spice up this absolute waste of license payers money".

In a further statement, RTE said it would be replacing the peaceful scenes of people looking distracted, such as walking in the park and building stone walls, with footage of people being distracted by more dramatic situations, like a rapid-fire, against-the-clock cow cull or children throwing stones at Eamonn Dunphy for charity.

"Keep the bastards on the edge of their seats and they'll be begging for more," the spokesman added.

Pub coversation just like a Seinfeld episode
According to reports the next day, this conversation in the pub last night was just like something out of that 'Seinfeld' show, only maybe not as funny.

"Me and Dorren [Doolally] and Siobhan [Kilfeather] were talking about flying to the States", said drinker/student Manus Howiya, "And Dorren mentioned how she always loves robbing the little cushions they give you on Aer Lingus. I was just 'You take those? They're not presents. You're not supposed to take them! You take those?' ".

At this point Doolally is reported to have stared at Howiya for some moments before replying "Hello? They're complementary. That means you take". Kilfeather also added that they give you food and drink on those flights too and you don't seem to mind that do you Manus?

Continued Howiya, "I retorted that if you invite someone into your home and offer them wine and crackers, you do not expect them to see this as an invitation to go after the soft furnishings. The distinction I drew was between edibles, such as food, and sittables, such as cushions. 'The sittables are a capital purchase', I told them, adding that it's people like them who drive up prices for the rest of us".

The trio then went on to discuss what was up with that 'Why Go Bald?' sign on George's St.

Guy still really ashamed of failed e-mail chain-letter
Computer aficionado and would-be 'phreaker' Phelim Gong is still finding it hard to come to terms with the disappointing response to his attempted e-mail chain-letter, which failed to be forwarded beyond even the boundaries of the DCU (Dublin City University) computer department.

"I just don't know what went wrong", a distraught and humiliated Gong told reporters yesterday. "I thought I did everything right: I included all the requisite elements of pathos [Dying baby appeals to world for peace], superstition [good luck if sent on, famine and pestilence if not] and promised wealth [Bill Gates to distribute mobile phones to first thousand forwarders] in order to appeal to my target demographic of shallow, gullible fools.

"And I painstakingly wrote in a list of fake previous forwarders, complete with little '>' marks at the side. But then... nothing. I'm gutted".