either really sound or totally false
to replace holy water with kombucha
denies regretting forgetting Arms Crisis actions
'back from the brink'
slams Angelus blast.... Pub conversation just like something out of Seinfeld...
Guy still ashamed of failed e-mail chain-letter
Test your Bertie Bowl knowledge
are proud to welcome you to the Evil Gerald's brand newest section, Regional
Report. From now on you will be able to catch up on all the latest goings-on,
if any, amongst our brethren and sistren in the wilds of furthest Ireland.
I know what you're thinking: a true Gerald reader likes his news strictly
Dublino-centric, with maybe a bit of important world news, like the Evans-Piper
marriage or the latest gay royal, thrown in for 'good measure'. But we
have never been afraid to broaden the horizons of our readers (remember
our short-lived attempt to introduce golf coverage?) and it's also a lot
easier when you've got affiliates like The Longford Leader, Scarriff Perennial
and Ennis Optional to bully for content. We hope you enjoy reading it
as much as we enjoyed doing something else.
in Fraud Sensation
The management of the newly refurbished Roxy cinema in Longford were left
red faced yesterday when it emerged that the amazing '3D' screen was nothing
of the sort.
While avid cinemagoers were watching what they thought were the latest
releases in movie entertainment, they were in fact being conned by unscrupulous
cinema managers. The so called 3D screen was in fact a big window looking
out into the high street, and the surround sound was merely an old version
of Foster and Allens greatest hits played backwards.
"No one suspected a thing until yesterday said one film-goer
who didnt wish to be named. Then a Ford Escort crashed out
of control and went straight through the screen and into the cinema. Most
of us thought that it was just a special effect until the Parish Priest
got out. He was a bit pissed.
Another movie fan said that she was beginning to notice something strange.
All the films looked the same, she said. And I saw my
brother in three of them".
Album causes Controversy
Local Ennis radio station, Wireless FM, have become the center of a huge
public debate following the release of their latest compilation album,
The best Death Notices Album in the World
Ever!, a new
compilation album that raced into the local charts after both copies in
the Sounds Good music shop sold out or were misplaced.
Station manager Seamus Burns has defended the album against the complaints
lodged by the families of the people mentioned in the lyrics on the various
This is an album for our loyal fans, he says. The death
notices is the one period of each day when our ratings skyrocket to over
twenty seven listeners. Its time to give something back to these loyal
Burns added that he is sympathetic to the families who have complained
and has offered them a special Buy one get one free deal.
Gardai say house was easy target for burglars
Local Scarriff Gardai last night described the latest burglary in the
area as A crime waiting to be committed, possibly by a burglar.
Guard Kevin O Shea told the Scarriff Perennial that he had received a
call on his radio to go straight to the scene of a burglary at 4am last
Monday morning. I was out of the pub and down the road in a flash,
Arriving at the burgled property, O Shea was appalled at how easy it been
to break in. This house was a burglars dream, he said. The
back door had been kicked in, and the locked kitchen door was forced open.
A three year old child could gain entry.
The garda went on to describe the inside of the house as being in 'a terrible
state', with drawers pulled out and documents strewn about the floor in
every room. If people leave stuff lying around like this then its
going to be easy for a thief to spot money and jewellery and make off
with it, he said.
While the couple who lived in the house were not harmed, O Shea believes
they deserved to have been. They looked like a couple of morons
if you ask me. When I got to the house they were standing outside in their
nightclothes talking to their neighbours. Its weirdos who do this at four
in the morning that piss me off. No wonder they got burgled.
Scarriff Superintendent Chanders agreed whole heartedly with O'Shea's
opinions. Its always people who kick in their back doors and leave
stuff lying everywhere that get burgled in this area, he said.
finally... Ennis says goodbye to an old friend
of Ennis will soon miss a familiar sight as Paddy Coen, the local postman
Paddy, who delivered post in the last remaining P+T van in Ireland, reached
retirement age this week.
"He was a great public servant said local man Jimmy Corgan.He
always said that people would never take to e-mail or other alternatives
to posting letters. I told him he was talking bollocks and then he ran
over my dog. That was the type of man he was.
It was estimated that on his last week Paddy drove the van 8500 miles,
the distance from here to Thailand, where following a tip-off from Interpol,
he was arrested for drug trafficking. He is awaiting trial.