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What a Mao-thful!

Mao – Temple Bar and Dun Laoghaire. A review by Gelatinous McAnimate, social diarist.

6 million dead Chinese can’t be wrong, and now everybody’s favourite Chairman of the board has not one, but two trendy eateries in which to wine and dine the people.

The décor is garish, Warhol-esque, reminding us once again that genocide is not just a full-time job, it can be fun too!

The meal got off to a good start with a Revolutionary salad, which came with a veritable Red Army Faction of dips and sauces, beautifully presented on a bed of cold, damp tiles. The eggs for the mayonnaise are stirred and ruthlessly beaten every fifteen minutes, and I, for one, was forced to confess to the efficacy of this treatment. The boiled crab-meat soup alone would have made me sign anything. And I did: I am now, by my own admission, an enemy of the Chinese People and scheduled to be executed tomorrow. And after eating in Mao, the last wish of this condemned man is that he not obstruct the gustatory march of Mao to glory! Now where’s that executioner?

The local party chairman of Mao in Dun Laoghaire told me “We are here to provide four Tianemen Square meals a day to anybody who wants them". His noodle cooks say he is an absolute despot in the kitchen:“You don’t dare question the crispiness of this man’s duck. He is a terror behind that stove. So much as look at him wrong and you’re in his Little Red Book. The next thing you know you’re kneeling in a soccer stadium, with a gun at the back of your head, with 200 other waiters and short-order cooks renouncing yourself as a pasta-munching, escargot-loving enemy of the revolution”.

I had the lamb with Ho Chi Mint sauce, but if you are digging for something a little more down-to-earth, why not try the Mass-Grave Stew? Mao is refusing to give away the recipe to international investigators, and even the staff are unsure as to where he gets his ingredients.

One nice feature of Mao’s is Papa Duck, a man in a duck outfit who keeps the kids amused while you toil fruitlessly over your dinner. The service is free, but don’t expect to see your children alive again.

The Stalin Burger (with Red Sauce) will suit those with more conventional tastes, and refreshingly, comes with a side order of Goebbels frites, char-grilled in an oven until unrecognisable. “Genghis, Khan’t you taste the difference between a Hitler steak cooked in a gas oven and one done in a conventional oven, you idiot?", shouts Mao at one of his hundreds of sous-chefs. "You are a shame to the people’s revolution! And we’re running out of chicken balls. Take him away!”

The traditional peasant stew is made from peasants humanely overworked in a paddy field in Northern China until they drop dead of exhaustion. “It’s the secret to its revolutionary edge,” explains Mao.

Number of kitschy restaurants named after a mass-murdering despot in Dublin: 2
Cost of the Communist Revolution in human life: 6m, give or take.
1X 16oz Hitler steak: £15:50
2X Stalin Burgers: £20.70
1X Ho Chi Lamb: £13.99
2X sides of Goebbels frites: £6.00
3X bottles plum wine: £30.00
Total: p*** off! I never drank that bottle of Pernod, you little maggot. I could have your job you know!

Next week: Hindley and Brady’s on Baggot Street – “Where kids come first”




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