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“The Pigs are always, like, assholes,” claimed fourteen year-old Jason Kelly from Knocklyon in Dublin last night.
Taking exception to the two members of An Garda Siochana who had confiscated a ten spot of hash from him earlier that evening he told a close group of acquaintences in a field near his home that “You just know they’re going to smoke it themselves once they stop the car”.

He also told his audience, some of whom had slight headaches, partly from hearing Kelly speak but mainly from sniffing Bostik, that “the coppers are all into Bob Marley, man”.

Teenage hurt-bag
Mr Kelly had planned to consume the soft narcotics yesterday evening with some friends while listening to his favourite dance music compilation tape ‘Ibiza Forever’. He said he was bitter at the police who he claimed “go mad for the weed” and whose alleged hog-like snouts and crippling addiction to marijuana imbued them with almost mystical abilities to sniff out only the best Green Leb.

Slapper-rapper "batter" matter
On reciept of an accusation that he was “full of shit” Mr Kelly then lashed out at his former girlfriend of six days, Sharon McKenna, labelling her a “fat slapper”. Reminded that he had in fact ‘shifted’ the same “fat slapper” Kelly rounded on this reporter shouting “What the fuck you saying about my burd?”

Reflecting on the decision earlier in the week by his school to suspend him, Mr Kelly remarked that his headmaster was “a wanker” and that Mr Mark Staunton, the other boy involved in last Friday afternoon’s fight at the bus stop was in actual fact “a fucking queer”.




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