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G8
leaders to hold future summits in online chat-rooms
JCB
digger gently exfoliates Glen of the Downs
What
a Mao-thful! Gelatinous McAnimate praises a Restaurant Revolution
Northern
political leaders hark back nostalgically to heady days of 1998
'The
Monk' eats tasty dinner in post restaurant
Fine
Gael withdraw from General Election process
Record
bags mostly empty of records - study
"Gay
pigs" rapped by leading skanger
Bono
crouches and points... Proposed demolition of Milo O'Shea's eyebrows protested...
and more in News in Brief
Opinion:
I don't know what to wear to this anti-globalisation march
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“The
Pigs are always, like, assholes,” claimed fourteen year-old Jason
Kelly from Knocklyon in Dublin last night.
Taking exception to the two members of An Garda Siochana who had confiscated
a ten spot of hash from him earlier that evening he told a close group
of acquaintences in a field near his home that “You just know they’re
going to smoke it themselves once they stop the car”.
He
also told his audience, some of whom had slight headaches, partly from
hearing Kelly speak but mainly from sniffing Bostik, that “the coppers
are all into Bob Marley, man”.
Teenage hurt-bag
Mr Kelly had planned to consume the soft narcotics yesterday evening with
some friends while listening to his favourite dance music compilation
tape ‘Ibiza Forever’. He said he was bitter at the police who
he claimed “go mad for the weed” and whose alleged hog-like
snouts and crippling addiction to marijuana imbued them with almost mystical
abilities to sniff out only the best Green Leb.
Slapper-rapper "batter" matter
On reciept of an accusation that he was “full of shit” Mr Kelly
then lashed out at his former girlfriend of six days, Sharon McKenna,
labelling her a “fat slapper”. Reminded that he had in fact
‘shifted’ the same “fat slapper” Kelly rounded on
this reporter shouting “What the fuck you saying about my burd?”
Reflecting on the decision earlier in the week by his school to suspend
him, Mr Kelly remarked that his headmaster was “a wanker” and
that Mr Mark Staunton, the other boy involved in last Friday afternoon’s
fight at the bus stop was in actual fact “a fucking queer”.
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