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JCB digger gently exfoliates Glen of the Downs

Using a specially formulated healing-and-strengthening technique, a six-ton JCB digger (left) gently exfoliated the surface of the Glen of the Downs yesterday, stripping the terrain clear of trees, plant-life and any other organic material.

After tenderly abrading the ground with razor-sharp mechanical shovels and drills, construction staff then administered a cleansing bio-herbal salve they call 'Organicide', developed by Laboratoires Caterpillieres in Tyneside, U.K. This kills micro-organisms dead, converting them into valuable carbon and leaving the area ready for the next stage in its transformation from unsightly forest to attractive thoroughfare.

Carl Mooney, a spokesman for Coffey construction, carrying out the Glen of the Downs Replenishment Scheme for the National Roads Authority, described the next step: "Using pH-balanced steel scour-pipes, we'll apply some soothing pro-vitamin concrete injections, specially designed for sensitive valley floors".

Some see the operation as little more than a destructive rampage through an area of natural beauty, but Mooney rejects the accusation. "We're not destroying the glen, we're strengthening its defences," he said. "I mean, some of these trees were clearly suffering from split ends".

Do you know of any strained, over-worked woodland that could do with the Replenishment treatment? Is your local forest looking tired and frazzled? Well then why not give it a revitalizing motorway-makeover?




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