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Record Low

A shocking 93% of DJ and record bags sold last year were never used for transporting records, a study has shown.

A statistical sample of 1001 moping Dublin teens taken outside the Central Bank on a Saturday afternoon revealed that most of them just used their so-called record bags for carrying superfluous Slipknot hoodies and hiding the embarassing bicycle helmets forced on the youths by overprotective parents.

2% produced a CD walkman from the portable music organisatorialistic connivance, but only one youngster surveyed had a vinyl record in his bag on the day. 3% contained raggedy-arsed copies of New Musical Express magazine and 12% of Raw.

Nobody, however, was found to have a copy of Hot Press in their posession; not even one they’d stroked from Virgin. Reasons cited included its ‘uselessness’ and not wanting to read ‘another fu***ng Sinead O’Connor interview’.

In a meaningless aside one member of the community of the less olderly aged who was swigging from a can of Anvil cider admitted that the friendship bracelet on his left wrist had actually been bought by himself to give the impression that he had friends willing to spend as much as £1.50 on him.

Bag industry sources said they were concerned by the findings but pointed to similar results from research that had been carried out into cargo pants, which showed that most examples of this sort of pants had never, some say thankfully, carried any bone fide ‘cargo’.




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