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Tap water carbonated by 2004 - FG
In a bid to woo! support in the run-up to the summer general election Michael Noonan has promised that the country’s entire water supply will be carbonated if FG get into government.
“We want to give something back to the poor, disaffected, alienated middle-class that has always been the bedrock of our party,” he told reporters at a ceremony to mark the opening of an envelope posted to the party’s press office in support of the FG parliamentary party. “For too long now the plain people of Ireland have been forced to rely on flat, lifeless still water to perform their ablutions and for drinking, cooking and watering their lawns. Under Fianna Fáil the situation has only worsened. Something must be done, and unaccustomed as I am to public speaking, I promise you now that there will be bubbles in the bath when Fine Gael gets into it this summer!”
Church leaders, however, have expressed anger, with Carinal Desmond Connell describing the tickling sensation that would be afforded voters while washing in the expensive bubbly H2O as “an occasion of sin”. Pressed on the carbonation situation should FG be forced to share the bath with another party, Noonan said he could not be sure if FG or any coalition partner would get first crack at it. “Although I can’t rule anything out at this point,” he said. “But obviously no-one wants to get into the bath with Mary Harney after a trip to the offy.”
Meanwhile, model Naomi Campbell is to sue River Rock for 3 billion euro after catching pneumonia from using their product as directed in a recent ad campaign. The company, which gets bottles, fills them with water, sticks labels on them and sells them for money, says Naomi took their ‘Water You Wear’ campaign a little too seriously. “She’s in fashion, for God’s sake,” said one cutthroat executive. “You’d think she’d recognise bullshit when she saw it.”