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Gerald Exclusive! Men and women are different Quinn sets out demands for labour Water supplies to be carbonated by 2004 - FG Delegates' confusion at "recent events" speech X-ray Hotel guests claim false advertising Somezing cooking vith zelebrity KP, Gustavo Damn! That homeless guy was really cute PR guru appalled by Harney flight |
Those opposing Valentine's Day "sad, hairy virgins" A recent MRBI/Hallmark survey has found that 82% of people who purport to oppose the commercial event of 'Valentine's Day' are "sad, hairy virgins" who aren't in relationships and have "very little" prospect of being in one in the near future. The survey also found that another 11% of opponents were "tight arses" who spent an average £10 a year on gifts and a further amazing £14 on personal hygiene products. The remaining 7% were members of the Socialist Workers' party (Student Branch).
When we spoke to Dave's girlfriend, Trish, she said that she supported his opinions but felt embarrassed in the office in which she works. Dave's moral posturing has previously led to her lying to her colleagues. "The girls in the office are going on about which restaurant they'll be going to, but I'll just have to lie and say something sad like 'Oh, Dave's cooking me a 'special' dinner tonight' or something." The president of goodwill manufacturer, Hallmark, said that he was "unsurprised" by the study's findings. "It comes as no shock to learn that opponents of our love appreciation capital venture, which reinforces stereotypes and social exclusion, come mainly from the Sad Loner, Hairy Bastard and Socialist Worker demographics. Don't feel left out like the weirdo on the bus. Buy that card for your loved one - or even for yourself - What's that? No, Hallmark does not condone stalking, but nobody wants to look like a lonely, hirsute virgin." |
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The
Evil Gerald spoke to one opponent of Valentine's Day, bank clerk,
Dave Doorley. "I mean, it's just the commodification of love and human
emotions. A teddy bear, flowers and dinner once a year can't make my girlfriend
feel loved - she knows that 365 days a year without the card." 
