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Quinn announces demands for labour

"There is no f****** way I'm going into f****** labour with the b****** PDs," a visibly distressed Ruaraí Quinn told a press conference in his party's headquarters in Dublin last night. "Only a f****** b****** would let down his b******ing constituents by giving birth to such a f****** monstrous f*** of a b******ing government."

Compulsive swearer, Quinn, was launching the labour pledge card - the demands which would have to be met by any prospective coalition partner before Labour would consider getting into the conjugal bed with them. "And there's no b****** way I'm being reborn as the b****** progeny of that b***** Mary Harney." The foulmouthed Labour party leader said that while his party remained committed to the ideals of socialism, some of the independents could induce labour, under certain circumstances.

"I'm not ruling anything out," said Quinn, "except the f****** PDs. I'd rather suck Jackie Healy-Rae's l** than wake up to find myself a screaming little b******, expelled from my socialist paradise by the liberal thighs of the Progressive Democrats. I'd rather Mildred Fox was my mother and Healy-Rae my sire than be gelded in a coalition with the b****** Continuity Fianna Fáil party."

The coprolalic Quinn went on to elaborate on his demands for labour.

1. Plenty of hot water and towels worth 13 billion euro over ten years
2. As soon as I'm out of the womb I want my mother to go straight onto welfare of 320 million euro. The PDs would never have that. They hate b****** single mothers
3. This little b******'s education will cost 625 million so at the end of it all I might be able to understand McCreevy's budgets

"If we do not get the resources, then we will not be going into labour," said Quinn. "We are now the eighth richest country in the world, and I want my f****** Liga!"




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