Quinn sets out demands for labour Those opposing Valentine's Day "sad, hairy virgins" Water supplies to be carbonated by 2004 - FG Delegates' confusion at "recent events" speech X-ray Hotel guests claim false advertising Somezing cooking vith zelebrity KP, Gustavo Plastic Surgery For All Top Trumps 2001 Damn! That homeless guy was really cute PR guru appalled by Harney flight Unattended chip-pan fails to catch fire War looms in the Wesht TV blamed for Ulster outrages US army intercepts Bray teenager		New government report: men and women are different A new government report released today and commissioned by Sile De Valera, has revealed startling new evidence for the differences between men and women. The report, a 512 page document, was compiled and researched by a team of the nation's top stand-up comedians and doctors, after demonstrating various physical differences between men and women goes on to expose amazing new differences between the sexes. Apparently, men and women vary in their interest in football greatly and many women remain unaware of the exact nature of the offside rule. However, such deficiencies do not only lie with women; men have been revealed to be incapable of tying a towel around their heads after showering, an idea introduced to the gender research community by comedian Jason Byrne on his widely-lauded scientific weekly, The Jason Byrne Show. The report goes on to cite over 650 drastic differences between the sexes, including: - Men look better smoking old-style pipes - Women find it hard to sit still on buses - Men's brains are similar but different to females' - Men and women tend to have different physiology, though this is neither a universal, hard-and-fast rule nor a completely made up one. Rather, it's somewhere in the 'middle', as opposed to the 'centre', where you would find Elijah Wood. - Men are more likely to leave the toilet seat up - Women have a second brain which they carry around in their bags. - Men have a second brain but are always leaving theirs just lying around where anyone could pick it up and start thinking with it. - Women take approximately 10 times longer to prepare for an evening out. - Men are more likely to be Woody Allen or Simon Barnes, though this is still pretty unlikely. For women, the same goes for Gertrude Stein and Queen Boadicea, only not so much. A similar report carried out in America cited many similar differences, but concluded that men were more likely to be "no good, lyin', cheatin' sons-of-bitches', while it was concluded that women were more apt to argue over "small shit." The same document, taken over a sample of 2,300 white and African-American people concluded that white people are prone to drive in a hunched manner, while black people are more relaxed at the wheel. The scientific community is split over the Irish report, some citing its thorough sampling of all the sexes, while others maintain that it offers no conclusions based on the evidence amassed, ending as it does with the words "What's up wit' that?"

 

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