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Gerald Exclusive! Men and women are different Quinn sets out demands for labour Those opposing Valentine's Day "sad, hairy virgins" Water supplies to be carbonated by 2004 - FG Delegates' confusion at "recent events" speech X-ray Hotel guests claim false advertising Somezing cooking vith zelebrity KP, Gustavo Damn! That homeless guy was really cute PR guru appalled by Harney flight |
War
looms off the War looms off the west coast of Ireland after the number and intensity of skirmishes in the 'Balkan' Aran Island region dramatically increased between the rebel movement, the Independent Peoples Front for the Liberation of Inis Meain (IPFLIM), and the disputed Inis Mór regime. Against the backdrop of the failed peace talks, war seems inevitable on the island of Inis Meain at the moment, as Inis Mór security forces desperately try to control the large scale rioting that has taken place throughout downtown Kilronan. Several people are feared dead. Widespread looting, said to dwarf the LA riots in recent years, is still taking place in the southern end of the Inis Meain city centre as the oppressed native Asian pigmy working class take advantage of the overhaul of the security forces.
The IPFLIM, also known as Ipflim, has been fighting for independence ever since Frank, the Supreme Leader of the Republic of Inis Mór, led his people to a successful bloody climb to power in Inis Meain. Frank's aim is to re-install an Inis Mór-friendly government, after (the President) An tÚachtarán O Fatharta (go hana mhaith ar fad) fell from power after being infected by a tropical virus he picked up on diplomatic talks in Carlow. In 1987 he succumbed to the virus when his head mysteriously fell off during a television interview. This previously unknown region (population of 436.2) burst onto the international stage after the '93 Revolution on the island in which an alleged 17,000 residents were killed. The directorate of the revolution, the Independent Peoples Front for the Liberation of Inis Meain War Council (IPFLIMWC) was captured in a daring raid, involving an incursion deep into Inis Meain-controlled territory and a storming of the War Council's Government Buildings (IPFLIMWCGB). The council's execution by stoning resulted in a mass increase in the membership of Ipflim and a martyrdom of the President of the Council, the IPFLIMWCP, Rashers 'The Horse' McAlhooney (Óg). McAlhooney was said to have been the mastermind of the failed revolution and fought on the front line, personally killing, 'bejaysus about wan and a quarther million emeny throops with a fork', according to one source. Colonel Gadafy has voiced his support for the 'noble cause' of Ipflim. Prior to a Gadafy arms shipment the rebels were fighting with old rusty garden forks, scythes, and shovels. This consignment of weapons will now allow them to fight with state-of-the-art stainless steel pitchforks, Intercontinental Ballistic missiles and shiny new shovels. International 'pressure' is being brought to bear on both sides to sit at the negotiating table and to make some attempt to find a resolution to the dispute. The Republic of Inis Mór has been denounced by Hewmen Rights groups for alleged abuses of POWs and refusing to allow anyone in to examine the circumstances of the incarceration of the 435 PFLIMPOW'S in Bridey Ní Suillobháins out-house. God has also urged restraint from his holiday home in the tropical beach resort, Brittas Bay County Wicklow, saying, "for feck sake boyz, will ye not just get your shite together". |
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